Empower Ourselves, Comfort Our Students....and other lessons I learned from a hostage negotiator

At first glance you may not see the mindful benefits of learning tips from a FBI hostage negotiator, but don't worry, you'll understand by the end.

When we are mindful for ourselves we learn to be at peace with the interactions we encounter when we engage with our students. Mindfulness allows us to be able to accept when our students say the word "no". 

Chris Voss, who was the FBI’s lead international kidnapping negotiator prior to his retirement, can help us word our sentences in such a way that we actually get our students to give us the answer "no". The answer which is what we mindfully want.

Surprised or put off? Understandable, but keep reading, don't give up on this idea.

Science has found that the word no creates a sense of comfort for those who us it. It is empowering and can help settle stomachs. Studies have shown that the answer "yes" creates a sense of conditional obligation that people most of the time are not ready to commit themselves to making and keeping. 

Science has also shown us that the human brain only has the capacity to make a set amount of decisions in a day. High power individuals typically wear the same or very similar outfits on a daily basis. When asked about this they will report that they do not want to waste brain power early in the morning on clothing choices. They save their days decisions for more complex and important aspects of their day.

Chris Voss, in his blog on using the word "no" talks about how by the end of the day if you ask him anything other than a "no-oriented" question it is likely you aren't getting an answer right away. Ask him a "no-oriented" question and he doesn't have to make a decision and you get an immediate answer.

Aren't there times you want an immediate answer from a student and you don't get one?

Chris Voss has shared some very easy "no-oriented" question starters.

*Is it ridiculous...

*Would it be horrible...

*Is it a bad idea...

And the one that might fit school the best:

*Have you given up on...

This last one triggers the safety of "no" and the Prospect Theory. 

Prospect Theory is the idea that loss aversion drives action more than the desire to gain.

People are two times more likely to take action to avoid a loss than they are to accomplish a gain.

Example of use:

You observe a student not working. This student frequently will not work on assignments. You have had confrontations in the past and interventions to help haven't worked well. This time you try a "no-oriented" question.

"Have you given up on this assignment?"

More often than not a student will say "no" to avoid trouble, or loss. This can then open a conversation about their struggles preventing them from working.

"I'm glad you haven't given up, now that we know you want to complete the assignment lets work on the ways we can help you."

Another great use for "no-oriented" questions is putting them in place of a "what" or "how" question. "No" is quicker to answer and can actually lead to better, more open discussions.

Have you ever asked a student " Why are you doing that?" and you get a shrug, an "I don't know" or a "'cuz".

What if you changed the question to, " Is this a bad idea..." "Is this a productive idea..." ?

Asking if something is a productive idea can then lead to asking them to help explore productive ideas.

Now that we have explored the use of "no", lets circle back to mindfulness.

Using our mindful strategies of wishing a student well, starting with the heart, taking a deep breath, accepting an answer and letting go of a feeling; can help you begin utilizing "no-oriented" questions.

Another great mindful way to think about no is how it feels to say no. We have already established that "no" comforts us and calms anxiety. 

Mindfully giving your student a time to say "no" can increase their focus and ability to remain calm and ready them to work.

"No" can support you as well.  When you are able to say "no" it takes away stress of commitment, it relaxes you and gives you time, and creates a comfort of control. We can't always say no, we have commitments we have to make and keep. There are times we need to back away and take care of ourselves. Reflect on our self-care mindfulness. "No" is another form of self-care.

In times of brain fatigue, give yourself some self-care and utilize "no-oriented" questions and say "no" when you can.

Here is the mindfulness challenge for the week:

Reflect on a question you often use with a student. Is it "no-oriented"? If it is, great, keep up the good work. Chances are it is not and you just answered "No"(you're welcome for an easy answer and limiting your brain fatigue).

I want you to sit mindfully, take some good deep breaths, utilize the 4-7-8 pattern we learned in the fall training. Breathe in for 4, as you breathe in think about the question you often use with students. Hold that question in your brain and focus on how it works or does not work with students, as you hold your breath for 7. Then release that question as you breath out for 8.

Next, lets do the same pattern for a "no-oriented" question. Consider which you would like to try and think about it as you breathe in for 4. Hold it in your brain and consider which student it would work best for as you hold for 7. Then release your breath for 8 and make the commitment to try it this week. 

This weeks mindfulness is much more for our own benefit in the immediate sense. In the long term it will benefit our students as we show them more compassion and understanding.

Remember to come visit my office and take a look in my mindfulness library. Explore my Mindful Activity cards and see if one fits with how your class is doing this week. Utilize Inner Explorer and consider making it a daily class activity.

Leverage the human inclination to say "no". Make "No" work for you. Mindfully say "no" and mindfully accept "no".