The After

Children who develop a deep distrust in others due to bullying are 3.5 more likely to experience mental health concerns by the age of 17.

We've talked about building protective factors to prevent bully and its effects. We've talked about how to build into the bully. We've learned what bullying is and how to be a safe adults.

Now it's time to talk about the after.

We've listened. Now we need to take action.

Not all children who experience bullying have to experience mental health concerns. We can teach them skills to help in the midst and wake of bullying.

Teaching students skills starts with us.

Adults need better regulation instead of reactions.

We have previously talked about being a safe adults and listening. Before we can be a safe adult and listen, we need to be a regulated adult. 

Dysregulated children will never learn to regulate from dysregulated adults. 

How do you know if you are a regulated and resilient adult?

-Do you tolerate discomfort well?

-Do you hold up to or collapse under pressure?

-Do you choose healthy relationships?

-Do you stand up for yourself?

To help a child learn to handle instead of avoid adversity, we as adults need to learn the skills first.

If we avoid the tough stuff we never learn the skills to handle tough experiences. 

Do you remember the children's book I'm Going On A Bear Hunt, by Michael Rosen? In his books he says, "We can't go over it. We can't go under it. Oh no! We've got to go through it!"

Same goes for building regulation and resilience during and after bullying events (and other difficult experiences in life).  There is no going around it if you want to have the skills to handle it. You must go through it.

Being calm is contagious. Start with calm.

Be consistent and create one place a student can feel confident. 

Bullying leaves one feeling small, insignificant, and much less than confident. Bullying often leads to low self-esteem, self doubt, fear of rejection, and creates someone who is a people pleaser. 

Understanding all of this can help us to challenge a students negative beliefs and help them rewrite the narrative. 

We need to help students to embrace their vulnerability and teach them how to reclaim power.

The first step, as we talked about last week, is to allow them a voice. Teaching students to share their story teaches them that it is ok to share the load. 

I have always like the visualization of stones in a backpack. Every bullying event in a stone added. When we teach a student to share about the bullying events we allow them to hand a stone to us. 

Are you strong enough to carry the stones?

As we teach students to share we begin to teach them resilience. The higher ones resilience the less the bullying behavior will impact mental health. Silence builds brokenness. A voice builds resilience. 

Always listen. 

Validate feelings.   

Show understanding.

Don't judge.

Build a relationship.

Help build relationships with peers.

Share resources. 

Reach out to parents. 

Let's Talk About Bullying

What is Bullying? 

Do you know? 

Do you find yourself calling mean behavior and conflicts bullying? 

Do you know the difference?

In order to help our students understand we need to understand bullying.

Over the years I have found that adults mislabel mean behavior as bullying. I have even dug deeper into an issue and learned that an underlying conflict was never addressed and only one side was being seen by adults. If we want our students to do better, we need to do better.

Below is a definition taken from stopbullying.gov

Bullying is a serious problem. 1 out of every 5 students report being bullied in school, according to the National Center of Education Statistics, 2024. 

The most common place for a student to be bullied is in the classroom. 

A student with a disability is at a greater risk for being bullied than a student without a disability.

Children are most often bullied for their appearance. 

44.2% of students who are bullied report the incidents to a trusted adult.

9 out of 10 tweens use social media or a gaming app. 58.2% report being cyber bullied. 33% report that it has occurred in the last 30 days. 

Talking about bullying can seem like a difficult task. It doesn't have to be. We as adults need to be comfortable with the uncomfortable. We need to be open to hearing the details. We need to be a trusted and supportive adult.

The ability to talk through a situation and evaluate the likelihood of bullying is a skill we should all be equipped with as adults working with school aged children.

If a student reports bullying to you, stay calm, listen with an open mind, and validate feelings.

Students need a nonjudgmental listening ear. Find your best poker face and be ready to hear anything and everything.

Do not be afraid to talk early and often about bullying. Talking about it does not create ideas on how to do it, but rather shows your knowledge of the topic and lets students know you know what signs to look for from behavior. 

When talking with a student be sure to assess their needs, safety, and readiness to take appropriate action. Make sure that you are presenting the best, safest, and most age appropriate suggestions regarding handling bullying.

Reassure the student that it not their fault.

Do not wait to address the topic. Remind students that informing an adult about bullying is not tattling or snitching, it is keeping someone safe.

Shifting Perspectives

 Last week we looked at building relationships to help create protective factors. This mainly helps those who potentially can be bullied or are being bullied. At least that's probably how we think about it. What if we thought about building protective factors for the bullies?

This week let's look at the bully.

Research finds that those who bully typically have a distinct psychological makeup. 

Our bullies often; lack prosocial behaviors, are untroubled by anxiety, do not understand the feelings of others, will misread the intentions of others, often others do not like this person BUT they see themselves quite positively, and they often have strained relationships with their parents and peers.

While reading the above list a few students may come to mind. 

Research also show us that aggressive, oppositional, difficult students are doing the best they can with what they have.

Our friends who lack prosocial social behavior most likely lack the skills. Perhaps at home they have never been given the opportunity to be helpful, kind, and share. It might be that they have to mind younger children at home and they are used to being bossy instead of cooperative. 

These friends may not know how to self-regulate or have emotional regulation. When a child is taught obey without asking why they do not build skills necessary for self-regulation. If they are crying at home, perhaps they hear something like, you want to cry, I'll give you something to cry about. Or maybe they are told not to cry. You cannot learn to regulate emotions when you are told to not have emotions.

The students we may consider a bully may also struggle with communication skills and social thinking. Communication and thinking bigger picture social thinking does not come easy to those who are told to stop talking, children should be seen and not heard, or simply are never given opportunities to communicate. 

When you lack helpful skills you use the only skills you do have and you seek attention in the harmful and negative ways. You control what and who you can control because there is a lot in your life you cannot control.

When it comes to the mean kids, the frustrating kids, and the bullies, we need a plan. Detention will not help. Suspension will not help. But studies show there are ways to help.

We can use restorative practices, teach social thinking, and work on collaborative problem solving.

I have found a website with some information and a couple of free trainings to help with collaborative problem solving. Check out Think Kids    

This month let's shift our perspective. Instead of only seeing the "bad kids" in a negative way, let's ask ourselves "what skills do they lack?" and "how can I help?" Maybe we can build skills, break down walls, and help change the path for a bully.

Building Relationships, Building Trust

 October is National Bullying Awareness Month. 

As we start to think about addressing the topic of bullying, let's take a few minutes to reflect on our relationships with our students. 

Building relationships with our students creates what is known as a protective factor.

A protective factor is defined as, conditions, personal strengths, or social supports that lower stress, build resilience, and decrease the likelihood of negative health or behavioral outcomes. 

When we think about bullying, most often we think about teaching definitions, how to be an upstander, and what to do if you are bullied. Before we ever get to teaching those important skills, lets begin with building a relationship.

Building relationships helps students see you as a safe and trusted adult.

The PBIS website has a great list of 8 ways to connect with students.

1. Hello/Goodbye

This simple and quick daily task could be the best part of your students day. 

The acknowledgement that you are glad they are at school, you are happy to see them, and you can't wait to explore learning with them.

A warm goodbye lets your students know that see them, it was a pleasure to have them in class, and you hope the rest of their day goes well.

2. Begin With The End In Mind (or setting expectations and standards)

Setting standards, expectations, and boundaries creates a safe and consistent environment. This promotes time to teach, model, practice, and praise positive and highly valued behaviors. 

The idea here is setting up the environment to get the end result you want. 

3. What's On Their Playlist?

Connecting through music. Connect through favorites. Do not under estimate getting to know your students likes and dislikes. Showing an interest shows you care beyond school and you want to know them. Think of our 2x10. 

I love taking a walk with a student who is experiencing big feelings. I use that time to talk about them before we talk about the feelings and behaviors that brought them to me.

Show interest and then either try to remember the information or write yourself a little note. Kids will be so surprised and impressed you remember. They will feel seen and heard.

4. SEL

Social Emotional Learning. This also includes mindfulness.

Teaching skills to self-manage, calm, and promote emotional understanding for a student's self as well as learning to have empathy for others.

5. Walk and Talk

This connects to number 3. I already shared that I gather the connection information through walk and talk time.

Something to keep in mind, walk and talk works really well for our male students. Studies show that boys do not like to sit face to face and talk. The side by side of a walk helps with comfort level.

When we walk the bilateral eye movement that happens creates optic flow. This visual scanning sends signals to the brain to reduce activity in the Amygdala. Reducing this activity helps reduce stress and anxiety.

Basically, walking is good for mental health as well as getting to know your students. 

6. Give Them A Voice

Allow time for students to express themselves (appropriately). 

7. Good Call

We've talked about positive purples and positive calls to make home connects. These positive connects can help build relationships with students and families. 

My daughter's school has PAK tickets. PAK stands for Positive And Kind. When you get a PAK ticket you get put in a drawing, much like our tickets. They can get a small prize. With the small prize they also get a positive call home. As a parent a positive call can brighten your day. I imagine it brightens the day of the student too.

8. A Listening Ear

You do not always have to have an answer, a solution, or a comment. Sometimes you just need to sit and listen. 

A few years back I had an 8th grader who would come to my office and just vent. She would unload it all. I would sit and listen. Once she unpacked her feelings, thoughts, and concerns she would go back to class. That was it. 

Connecting does not have to be a challenge and can build positives, resilience, and protective factors into our students. 

Let's start Bullying Awareness Month thinking about how we first build the relationships that become the protective factors. 

Flourish

On a recent episode of the Happiness Lab podcast hosted by Dr. Laurie Santos, Dr. Richie Davidson spoke on mindfulness and flourishing.

Dr. Davidson, a psychologist and the founder of the Center for Healthy Minds, has recently published a book, Born to Flourish.

In his book Dr. Davidson shares what he has found, through research and practice, the four pillars of flourishing.

1. Awareness

2. Connection

3. Insight

4. Purpose

While studying mindfulness, mediation, and flourishing, Dr. Davidson spent time working with teachers. He shares that there are more teachers leaving than entering the field of education. Teachers are feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and unsupported. They do not feel as if they are flourishing.

As he continued his research and work, Dr. Davidson asked a group of teachers to begin a 5 minutes a day mindfulness practice focused on the four pillars of flourishing. One unexpected finding of this research was that teachers who had a mindfulness practice were less likely to have an implicit bias toward students. 

Think about the students in your class. Are their some that would benefit from you starting a mindfulness practice? Would this practice help you see students in a new and positive light?

On the podcast Dr. Davidson shared about his own mindfulness practice and the pillars of flourishing.

He shared that after his morning mindful meditation he pulls out his daily schedule and thinks about who he will meet and work with that day. He uses his awareness of his schedule to build an internal mind connection with those he will encounter that day. This creates an insight to how he can have a good day and focus on his purpose and not be stressed about what might feel like work overload.

I loved this idea of looking at your schedule and connecting to people before you even see them. It got me thinking about our students and taking time to connect with them in our minds and hearts before they even enter the school.

Can you take time each morning to thinking about your students and build an internal connection? Can you flourish in the classroom with awareness, connection, insight, and purpose?

Beyond Inner Grit

Our favorite researcher of grit, Angela Duckworth, is back with a new book going beyond ourselves and our grit.

During a recent podcast Angela Duckworth shared that after she wrote the book Grit it was brought to her attention that we should look beyond ourselves for success. A sociologist pointed out that environment can shape our grit or the lack there of. 

Angela's new book; Situated, goes beyond ourselves and explores our environment and experiences. She shares that our grit can be shaped by our environment. She also shares that we can shape or change the environment to help with our grit.

In her book Angela talks about going beyond grit, the three box theory by James Gross, and shaping our surroundings. 

As I listened to the podcast I began to think about our students. Their home lives may or may not foster grit, but we have the opportunity to shape the school environment to help increase the likelihood of grit. 

In her book Angela talks about a swimmer from France who moved to America to swim at the same place Michael Phelps swam. He wanted to change his environment to increase his grit. He knew he could swim, but he also knew that to be better he needed the idea of the right place and the right people.

Dr. Roger Barker, who is credited as the founder of Environmental Psychology, spent time during his career researching how situations shape behaviors. Barker's theory was that we are always changing behavior based on environment. He shared that if one is in church, they exhibit church behavior, if one is at a golf course they exhibit golf course behavior, and so on. We adapt to fit the expectations of the environment. 

Earlier it was mentioned that Duckworth included research in her book by psychologist James Gross. Gross created a three box system that can help us when thinking about our grit in specific situations. 

Gross said the three boxes are: Situation, Thoughts, and Responses.

A situation is the objective circumstances.

The thoughts are our mental appraisal of the situation.

Then the response is our actions as well as our emotions.

Our surrounds can shape our behaviors and our emotions. We can also use self nudges to help us shape the environment into what we need for our grit.

We can help shape the environment by choosing the supportive peers and right mentors who will help build the grit we need to be successful.

So, now lets take some time to think about our school and our classrooms.

Can your class be the better place to bring out the better self of your students?

Is the environment in your class one in which students are propelled forward and encouraged to find and utilize grit?

When thinking about the environment in your class, is it an environment that is healthy to adapt to and shift personalities and behaviors? Is the culture in your class shaping your students for the better? 

How are you helping shape behavior?

Because I Said So...

How we talk to each other and our students matters. The video I shared was a fun way for us to think about the words we use with our students. Are we clear? Are we calm? Are we caring and compassionate?

Thinking about last week's blog we know how to help de-escalate and be a passenger to feelings. Now, let's dive into how we talk day-to-day.

Communication is more than what we say. In fact, a lot of our communication is how we say it. We should always think about, our body language, our tone, our volume, and then of course, our words.

If you were in my PD on de-escalation than you have heard this story, so hold tight while we share with the rest of the staff. 

When I worked crisis social work in Flint, I had a client who would yell. He yelled all of the time. I could not help his family because I could not be heard. I talked with my supervisor and we explored ideas. I then went back to the family and began to talk quietly. Almost a whisper. This forced my client to quiet down to be able to hear me. Then we worked on communication. And then worked to help his family.

Here are some quick reminders for communication:

1. Less is more. You do not have to say all of the words when few words will do. Be clear and concise.

2. Be calm. This reflects back to last week's blog. When you communicate be calm.

3. Be clear. We do not have to use big words that students will not understand. There are times to grow a vocabulary and there are times to communicate expectations.

4. Be caring. Genuine compassion. We do not need to talk down to students. We do not need to talk at students. We need to talk with students. Explain with understanding and care.

5. Offer approved choices only. If you ask a student, "Are you ever going to get in line?" they very well may answer "no." You asked the question. If you don't want the answer, don't ask the question. You could try, "You may join the line now and go to specials or you can continue to wait and we will send the class ahead and I will walk you to special after we talk."  

6. Use "I Feel" language. I feel statements are great. It shares a perspective without blaming. "I feel upset when you touch me without permission. I would like you to stop." (real statement taught in kindergarten this week.)

7. Positive praise. Use those purples! Our brains are wired to focus on the negative. We have to train them to focus on the positive. Build those neural connections. Connect the behaviors you want to see with praise. 

There may also be times where you need just a quick communication with your students. 

 One Liners

Above is a link to some one liners that could work with students. 

Communication does not have to be challenging, but it does take some time and thought.