Finding Mindfulness in your Frustration

 As I sit here looking at a blank screen I am presented with frustration. I had a nearly finished post all typed up...and it didn't save. Time to practice my mindfulness in frustration.

This week I wanted to introduce you to Dr. Amishi Jha.

Dr. Amishi Jha is a professor of psychology at the University of Miami. She serves as the Director of Contemplative Neuroscience for the Mindfulness Research and Practice Initiative, which she co-founded in 2010. She received her Ph.D. from the University of California–Davis and postdoctoral training at the Brain Imaging and Analysis Center at Duke University. Dr. Jha’s work has been featured at NATO, the World Economic Forum, and The Pentagon. She has received coverage in the The New York Times, NPR, TIME, Forbes and more. (from her website)

I was recently introduced to Dr. Jha when she was a guest on one of the podcasts I enjoy. During this podcast Dr. Jha shared about a mindfulness practice she engaged in the previous night.

Dr. Jha reminded us, as we all know by now, that mindfulness is being aware in the present moment, without judgement. Sitting in a hotel room, nervous about the upcoming podcast Dr. Jha was struggling to sleep. She lay awake worried, nervous, and frustrated by the sound of the air conditioner. 

At the moment Dr. Jha realized she was frustrated by the sound of the air conditioner she quickly went into mindfulness mode. She embraced the sound. She told herself over and over that the air was on and making noise. She excepted it as reality and embraced its presence. Once she was able to do this the sound no longer irritated her and she was able to continue to calm her mind and body and sleep.

Now think about a student in your class. Do you see them moving all of the time, making a small noise, humming, talking to themselves, etc. ? I imagine this bothers you. Could you embrace it, accept it, and mindfully allow it to exist? 

I am not asking you to ignore screaming. That takes a lot of patience and practice. And is disruptive to the learning environment. I am talking about that one student who likes to tap a pencil, tap a foot, hum, or move around in their chair. 

Try mindfully accepting this event as occurring in your class. The more mindful you become the more at peace you will feel. 

Reduce your own anxiety and frustration. Mindfully accept the present moment, as is, without judgement.

A Needed Revisit

 My weekly fun podcast that I listen to is called Office Ladies. On occasion they will do a "Revisit" to a previously reviewed episode. Today I want to barrow this idea and revisit a topic I have previously reviewed. I wanted to first share a link. I strongly encourage you to read the information. I feel, more than it has been before, this applies to our students. The topic is attachment disorder and trauma in students. 

Open Letter to Educators...

Our students have lives beyond the classroom that we may never want to imagine. In a previous job I entered home of families who needed support. Homes that were filthy, bug infested, lacked food, lacked beds, and held several families or generations of a family. Children did not have their own space, often were required to watch younger children, and had home safety plans that required them to practice hitting the floor if they heard gun shots. 

Early home lives that lacked a parent, lacked connections, or lacked support may have lead to some concerns such as an attachment disorder or placed the children high in ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences). 

Now for our children lets add to their home lives, a pandemic, and all that has come with it. 

Our students need clear expectations, rules, and structure. They also need us to be consistent and compassionate. 

In the letter I attached, examples are given regarding conditional statements verses unconditional statements. We are also given one-liners to use to help avoid power struggles and give students options to take control and ownership of their actions.

We can give our students a sense of control with conditions and not engage in power struggles. 

When we think about having a mindful day we need to think about how each moment matters. If we are in the present we are not holding the past against a student. If we are in the present we are not judging what they might do in the future. Mindfulness is the present moment, as is, without judgement. 

Try some conditional statements and one-liners this week. A favorite of mine is "bummer." I also like to give the student a sense of control by giving two options; A: do what is asked and stay on track, B: continue with own choice and earn a consequence. Make it their choice and walk away. Don't engage in the power struggle. Keep the authority, mindfully. This will keep you calm and create your own mindful space. 

Our Words Hold Power and Meaning

Last week we reflected on our attitudes and how they should not change how we treat others. Along with our attitudes, our words matter.

It is easy to get caught up in how we are feeling and we forget the words we are using. 

For our younger students, the words that they hear, become the words that they say. For our older students the words that we say become the thoughts that they know and believe.

During the month of October I have been presenting bullying awareness and prevention education to students. Part of this year's lessons has focused on the words that we use when addressing the topic of bullying.

Use the word "Bully" is a label that can do more harm to someone who already is in need of help. While someone may be engaging in bullying activities, we need to ensure we are teaching them change is possible and they are not simply a label of their actions.

When we make the switch to "engaged in bullying behaviors" we show the student that their behaviors do not have define them. Behaviors are more easily changed than someone's belief about who they believe people think they are, or who they see themselves as.

Our students are not "bullies" our students engage in mean behaviors that we need to address and assess and ensue do not turn into bullying behaviors.

To help us remember to check our words there is a mindfulness practice called STOP.

S: Stop what you're doing (or about to say)

T: Take a breath

O: Observe your inner and outer worlds (observe what you might say)

P: Proceed (with the most mindful choice)

I want to share one last thought regarding our words and what small ears hear...

Keep Our Feelings Our Own

Take some time to read the Adam Grant quote....and then read it again! Our bad days should not hurt another person. When I talk with students about their feelings I always tell them something very similar. 

I say: You can invite others to your feelings. Asking them to help care for them or carry them. You should never throw your feelings at someone else. We do not have the right to force our feelings on others. We can only ask them to join us where we are at.

If you are having a bad day remember that it is your bad day, not someone elses. I would also challenge you to evaluate the feeling and see where it is coming from. It most likely isn't a bad day, but rather a moment that triggered the emotions of hurt, anger, frustration, confusion, annoyance, etc.

As adults we have a better ability understand and process our feelings. We need to take extra time and extra care with all of our students. Their frontal lobes are still forming. The Prefrontal Cortex is still developing. We need to notice the emotions of our students and not be afraid to step in and step up to their needs. 

Some feelings are easier than others to assess and address. When we have the tools and take the time we become emotion superheroes to our students.

One of the best ways to start learning to recognize the emotions of your students to start with your own. 

This week I challenge you to take time to identify your own emotions as they arise. Research into the brain has taught us that when we take time to say the feeling we are experiencing we actually interrupt the feeling.

Our brains are designed to utilize various parts alone. When we have our Amygdala engaged (our feelings, especially Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Faint) we can no longer engage our Prefrontal Cortex. To help assess an emotion we need to disengage the Amygdala but using the Prefrontal Cortex. Saying your emotion will accomplish this task.

Find a Mood Meter and say "I am feeling...."

Then ask yourself if this feeling is Hurting or Helping.

If it is hurting, ask who do I need or what do I need to help move through and process this feeling and move on from this feeling.

Studies show that the more we learn to identify our own feelings the better we become at noticing the feelings of others.

After you start doing the emotional check ins with yourself, start some with your students. Ask them to take a quick minute to check in with themselves.

 

Growing Kindnes, Stopping Bullying

 

Adam Grant is a psychologist, professor at the University of Pennsylvania, author, and a parent. 

 

As a parent, Adam believes in asking children "how or who did you help today" at the end of each school day. He doesn't ask them about academics or behavior for themselves, but rather their behavior regarding others.

 

As educators and student support this is a mindfulness we can adopt and utilize to build kindness and reduce bullying.

 

We are entering into Bullying Awareness and Prevention Month. Each year during October we take time to educate our students and staff about what is and is not bullying. It is important to use the correct language and definitions 

 

We need to take time to define what is and is not an act of bullying. We also need to take time to teach students to use the term "this student is bullying me" not "this student is a bully" or "the bully hurt me." When we teach students to see the student as a fellow student and person first we open their minds and heart to compassion and understanding. When we allow students to call people bullies we take away an identity and replace it with the idea that an action defines everything.

 

Take time this coming month to promote kindness, compassion, and standing up for others. When we make kindness the norm students are more likely to report the unkind behavior and recognize the positive behaviors.

 

Mindfulness has many great mediations and mindful moments that help us to see, share, and spread kindness and reduce hate. 

 

When we were virtual I would end every day with two questions for the students who met with me: What did you do today to help others? What did you do today that mattered (to others)?

 

When we pay it forward, show random acts of kindness, and make kindness the norm we start reducing the hurt and hate that is spread. 

 

How we treat others matter. How do we treat each student? How do our students treat each other?