It's Okay To Not Be Friends

Have you ever had a student come up to you and report that another student was not their friend? 

I imagine this happens more often for the younger students. 

It might be easy to respond with something such as;

    "I'm sure that's not true. Of course they are your friend."

    "Let's all talk together, I'm sure we can fix this."

    "Why do you think that? Everyone wants to be your friend."

But the truth is, not everyone wants to be friends with everyone. We don't have to fix or change a relationship that a student does not want to have with another student. And it's ok to not be friends. There is nothing wrong with not being friends. This week I shared this idea with a second grade class, but I told them that there are rules. Rules on how not to be friends or not like someone.

Not liking someone or not being friends with someone has it's roots in conflict resolution and communication. It's not about the act of not liking someone but rather the act of setting boundaries and being kind.

Jay Shetty, a former monk and mindfulness expert shares, "Healthy boundaries command respect not judgment." He explains that boundaries are like a suit of armor. Boundaries protect us. 

When we do not like someone we need to set healthy and helpful boundaries. 

Teaching students to not like someone kindly looks like the following list of rules.

1. You do not have to tell the other person you do not like them.

Telling someone you do not like them does not help either of you. You can not like someone and simply not speak to them. Telling the other person is not armor but a weapon. You aren't setting a boundary to protect, you are using words to harm.

2. Just because you do not like someone does not mean they do not deserve to like themselves. 

This connects to rules one. Telling someone you do not like them may cause them to reevaluate how they feel about themselves. Our feelings belong to us. If we aren't sharing our feelings to seek help, we are sharing to cause harm. Often times students do not simply say "I don't like you" but rather they give a list of the reasons they do not like the other person. The other person does not need that list. Let the other person like themself.

3. You can choose to spend time with others, but do not isolate or exclude the person you do not like. 

When you do not like someone, do not spend time with them. However, in a school setting students need to understand that choosing to not spend time looks like recess or lunch or time outside of school, not school projects. If there is an assignment to work on with someone you do not like, you work with them, you cannot exclude them from the group. Isolating someone because you do not like them is a form of bullying. 

4. Do not gang up on them.

You have the right to not like someone. Others have the right to like that person. That person has the right to like themselves and be liked by others. You cannot recruit others to no longer be their friends. Again, this is similar to rule 3. This a form of social isolation bullying. Your friends are allowed to be friends with people you do not like.

5. Set boundaries. Use helpful communication.

Dr. Becky Kennedy shares that boundaries are not what someone else will do or will not do but rather what we will do. A boundary is strongly connected to communication.

Even when we do not like someone and do not want to be friends we need to learn respectful communication.

Instead of telling someone that we do not like them (see rule1) we can use communication skills and boundaries.

Utilizing "I Feel" statements allows us to express a feeling without pointing fingers. 

Instead of "I do not like you." 

Say, "I feel sad when you call me names at recess because I do not like being called names. I need to take some space from you and play with others, Please respect this. If you can't I will get help from the teacher."

Kids do not like other kids for a reason. We need to help explore that reason to give them the skills to express boundaries kindness.

The other student was not told "I do not like you" instead they were told how someone feels due to their actions. Then a boundary was set. I need space. The student is telling them that they are taking space and that they will play with others. They then shared that they will get help from an adult if this is not respected. 

We can teach our students to be kind while not liking someone. 

We can teach our students they do not have to be friends with everyone but they do have to communicate clearly without harm.

We can teach our students that boundaries are useful but should not harm others. 

We can take some time to reflect on this lesson and utilize it for ourselves.