Joy For Others

 Schadenfredue is a word used in German to describe the feeling of joy in others misfortune.

Envy is wanting the joy and fortune of others.

Freudenfreude is the joy in the good fortune and joy of others.

Mudita in Buddhism is the unselfish, appreciative, sympathetic joy in others joy.

Where are you on our joy scale?

---Schadenfredue---Envy---Freudenfreude---Mudita---

At various times in our lives we may find there is not much joy. When this happens we become defensive of our feelings of sadness, loneliness, and feeling left out of joy we notice others are experiencing. We even begin to become envious of others joy and then become upset and angry with them for displaying joy. We may even want to find a way to stop their joy, are at least stop them from showing joy when we are around.

During the holiday season these feelings can grow. We want the gift someone else received. We envy the holiday outfit. We want the their holiday treats. We become annoyed with the joy they display that we do not feel. We become the Grinch.

We do not have to be the Grinch. We can utilize psychology and train our brains to seek out joy in others and celebrate that joy.

In a recent Psychology Today article the idea of cultivating joy in others joy was discussed. The author talked about missing out last month when the Northern Lights were visible. She spoke on feeling envy as she scrolled social media and saw pictures and posts. Then she came across a post where someone shared that their 92-year-old neighbor saw the lights for the first time in her life. The envy slid away and was replaced with spontaneous joy. She felt such a great joy for this older woman that her envy no longer mattered.

Envy is a normal human emotion. Our brains are drawn to comparison. We have to look for and find joyful things to pull us from envy to joy for others joy.

Studies show that appreciative joy is related to increased subjective well-being. People who take time to find joy in others joy report increased feelings of cooperation, altruism, and reduced envy.

In today's society social media drives social comparison. Social comparison diminishes how we see our own lives, our own success, and creates a situation where we under value our lives. We begin to underappreciate ourselves due to the envy we feel toward others. 

There is a mindfulness we can engage in to help us not simply feel joy for others at random but rather help us seek out joy and actively engage in freudenfreude and mudita.

Each day hold space for joy.

Make it a goal to begin looking around you to find joy. People watch. Engage more with others. Ask questions and listen. Be attentive to others joy.

Express the joy out loud. It might be directly to the person you are joyful for or it might be to yourself when you observe a scene of joy. 

Look for the evidence of joy and express the gratitude that you were able to see it or hear about it. Be present and grateful for being included in the joyful moment.

Spread the joy. Share with others what you observed or heard about. Keep the joy flowing. 

Be grateful that others have the opportunity to experience joy. Be joyful toward them and for them. Truly experience the awe of their joy.

Did someone finally get that amazing gift they have always wanted?

Did someone show a photo of a new pet?

Is someone planning an amazing trip?

Can you hold space in your day to experience joy for them and with them? Be joyful in a way that shows others that you want them to be happy and have joy. 

Don't let your envy steal the joy of others. Take time to bask in the glow of the joy others are experiencing. Be joyful. It's good for your brain. 

The more you practice this mindfulness the better you will become at it and you will enjoy the feeling of joy for others. 

It's the Most Mindful Time of the Year....at least it should be

As the holiday break approaches we may see more behaviors that are disruptive. Our students may not be equipped to process all of their emotions. In the past we have explored the neuro science of emotions. We have talked about the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala. We all know by now that the prefrontal cortex continues to develop until around the age 25. The prefrontal cortex is our wise choices brain. It is that part of our brain that tells us to stop, don't do that! Just because it isn't fully developed doesn't mean we cannot help our students strength and grow the prefrontal cortex. That's where mindfulness comes in.

The holiday season can create opportunities for connections, love, and fun. This time of year can also create opportunities for sadness, loneliness, anger, frustration, and general bah humbug. 

We can utilize mindful mediation to calm the brain and bring small moments of peace and understanding.

This week I wanted to link a past blog that can help guide us through the season. I also wanted to share a video on the science behind mediation and the brain.

Previous Christmas Blog

If you haven't started Inner Explorer with your students now is the time. Give it a go. Take 5-10 minutes a day to engage in mindfulness with your students. Listen, engage, and reflect. This will help your students. This will help you.

This time of year is not all lights, love, and laughter. We all need a few minutes a day to calm down, reset, and promote brain health.

Take a few minutes today to engage in mindfulness. 

Remember to support yourself and your students through the holiday season in a mindful way.

Calling You Up to Your Best

I stumbled across Ryan Dunlap's videos this week and I am hooked. Ryan is a conflict strategist and he has a lot of good insight for us to reflect on.

The first video I have included is the first video I found. I liked the idea of call people Up not Out. Reminding ourselves, our coworkers, and especially our students that we know they can do better, we have seen them do better, and we expect better. This is so much more effective than to point out the wrong choices over and over again. Our brains already focus on the negative, they do not need more help being negative. Our brains need just the opposite, they need someone to point out and reflect on the positive. 

The next time you have a student act out, instead of jumping to "why would you do that?" try, "I know that you can sit down, I've seen you sit quietly yesterday, can we try it again today, your current behavior confuses me and I feel sad when you make poor choices."

The second video is about anger. 

This time of year students who may know the holiday season will not be a happy one may begin to present as angry. 

I often have students try to tell me that they did their actions because of their "anger issues." I stop that runaway train thought and bring it back to what else is going on. This is what Ryan does with his explanation of anger.

Ryan explains that anger is a secondary emotion. I love his analogy of it being the fruit not the root. Your anger isn't anchoring you but rather it is the product of something else going on in your life. What is another good reason why you are feeling this way. He tells us to ask ourselves is it hurt we are really feeling; is it fear, or something else that is now coming out as anger.

AN another G good R reason Y why

What is another good reason I am feeling angry? What else happened? What is going on inside?

I feel that as we navigate these next couple of weeks before break it is a great idea to reflect on the ways we can support our students. 

Can we help them explore what feelings are under the anger they are displaying? 

Can we help them control their actions by calling them up and not out?  

It's Okay To Not Be Friends

Have you ever had a student come up to you and report that another student was not their friend? 

I imagine this happens more often for the younger students. 

It might be easy to respond with something such as;

    "I'm sure that's not true. Of course they are your friend."

    "Let's all talk together, I'm sure we can fix this."

    "Why do you think that? Everyone wants to be your friend."

But the truth is, not everyone wants to be friends with everyone. We don't have to fix or change a relationship that a student does not want to have with another student. And it's ok to not be friends. There is nothing wrong with not being friends. This week I shared this idea with a second grade class, while sharing this I told them that there are rules. Rules on how not to be friends or not like someone.

Not liking someone or not being friends with someone has it's roots in conflict resolution and communication. It's not about the act of not liking someone but rather the act of setting boundaries and being kind.

Jay Shetty, a former monk and mindfulness expert shares, "Healthy boundaries command respect not judgment." He explains that boundaries are like a suit of armor. Boundaries protect us. 

When we do not like someone we need to set healthy and helpful boundaries. 

Teaching students to not like someone kindly looks like the following list of rules.

1. You do not have to tell the other person you do not like them.

Telling someone you do not like them does not help either of you. You can not like someone and simply not speak to them. Telling the other person is not armor but a weapon. You aren't setting a boundary to protect, you are using words to harm.

2. Just because you do not like someone does not mean they do not deserve to like themselves. 

This connects to rules one. Telling someone you do not like them may cause them to reevaluate how they feel about themselves. Our feelings belong to us. If we aren't sharing our feelings to seek help, we are sharing to cause harm. Often times students do not simply say "I don't like you" but rather they give a list of the reasons they do not like the other person. The other person does not need that list. Let the other person like themself.

3. You can choose to spend time with others, but do not isolate or exclude the person you do not like. 

When you do not like someone, do not spend time with them. However, in a school setting students need to understand that choosing to not spend time looks like recess or lunch or time outside of school, not school projects. If there is an assignment to work on with someone you do not like, you work with them, you cannot exclude them from the group. Isolating someone because you do not like them is a form of bullying. 

4. Do not gang up on them.

You have the right to not like someone. Others have the right to like that person. That person has the right to like themselves and be liked by others. You cannot recruit others to no longer be their friends. Again, this is similar to rule 3. This a form of social isolation bullying. Your friends are allowed to be friends with people you do not like.

5. Set boundaries. Use helpful communication.

Dr. Becky Kennedy shares that boundaries are not what someone else will do or will not do but rather what we will do. A boundary is strongly connected to communication.

Even when we do not like someone and do not want to be friends we need to learn respectful communication.

Instead of telling someone that we do not like them (see rule1) we can use communication skills and boundaries.

Utilizing "I Feel" statements allows us to express a feeling without pointing fingers. 

Instead of "I do not like you." 

Say, "I feel sad when you call me names at recess because I do not like being called names. I need to take some space from you and play with others, Please respect this. If you can't I will get help from the teacher."

Kids do not like other kids for a reason. We need to help explore that reason to give them the skills to express boundaries with kindness.

The other student was not told "I do not like you" instead they were told how someone feels due to their actions. Then a boundary was set. I need space. The student is telling them that they are taking space and that they will play with others. They then shared that they will get help from an adult if this is not respected. 

We can teach our students to be kind while not liking someone. 

We can teach our students they do not have to be friends with everyone but they do have to communicate clearly without harm.

We can teach our students that boundaries are useful but should not harm others. 

We can take some time to reflect on this lesson and utilize it for ourselves. 

Trust and Kindness

This week is a quick blog. I found a video over the weekend that I really enjoyed. It's Brene Brown of course it's good!

Building trust. 

Who do you trust? 

Can others trust you? 

Who is in your marble jar? Are you a marble in someone else's jar?

Now that we have had a nugget of mindful thought for the week come find me in my office. 

In honor of World Kindness Day Thursday, Veterans Day Tuesday, and The USMC 250 birthday Monday....

Treat Yo Self.

 Better yet, let me treat you!

Walk It Out...Backward

Let's take a walk together this week. A long walk backwards, otherwise known as, Retro Walking.

There is not a lot of research, but there is enough to make this topic interesting and worth taking a few minutes to explore. 

As we all know by now, our brains run automatically from our sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight) and our amygdala. We utilize tools, such as mindfulness, to pull us out of the amygdala and into the prefrontal cortex. 

Some small new studies are showing that walking backwards might help with pulling us into the present and into the prefrontal cortex.

Studies are finding that 10-15 minutes daily of retro walking can help calm and ground a person. You have to be very present when taking a walk where you cannot see what's coming. As you find calm, your brain and body begins to down regulate and shifts to the parasympathic nervous system (rest and digest).

Researchers are also looking at the cognitive benefits of a walk backward. The skill and coordination it takes helps boost memory. Also, with the activation of the prefrontal cortex we see more logic, problem solving, and wise choices. 

As you begin this experience, as new mindfulness, you may also notice a reduction in anxiety and depression, along with some lower back relief. Studies have also found some pain relief for the knees.

Your brain and your body will be thanking you for trying something new.

The new and different experience is also considered a pattern disrupt to the brain which can help with reducing rumination (we've learned about this before).

Why not give it a try. Start small, take a minute or two a day and turn around and walk. Build up to 10-15 minutes.  What could it hurt (as long as there is a clear path)? 

Finding the Good

 This is not a new topic. It connects to topics we've been exploring already this year. It also connects back to a topic from February of this year. 

Finding the Good (In Students, Staff, and Ourselves)

Finding the good in others does not mean that we ignore the negative, rather it means that we separate behavior from the person. Good people make mistakes. And people who struggle with behavior have redeeming qualities. We have to look past the behavior and find the good inside the person.

Psychology Today has a great article encouraging us to explore getting to know people past their flaws and struggles. The article states that in today's society we are living a "bummer car" existence. This is explained as "bumping into others" brief encounters, and then moving on quickly. Bump and go. Bump and go. We are encouraged stop, get out of the bummer car, and spend time with others.

When we do more than a quick moment and move on we get to know a person. The quick moments of behavior do not tell the whole story of a student. A quick moment with a "grumpy" co-worker does not tell their whole story. A quick moment with you is not your whole story.

The more time we are willing to spend with another person, the more likely we are to engage in what Dr. Becky calls MGI. The most generous interpretation for behavior. Look back at the post from February 12, 2025 for more on MGI.

Studies show that when we begin to explore the good in others we are more likely to find the good in ourselves. 

Seeing the good in others also helps them (and us) become more confident, more loving, and more productive. When you take time to find the good in your students, your students are more likely to be productive in school.

Remember that clip from Ted Lasso? Remember the quote he shares from Walt Whitman? 

"Be curious, not judgmental."

Are you curious about your students? Or have you made up your mind about their behavior, attitude, abilities, or worth?

Slow down. Look for the most generous interpretation for a behavior moment. 

Take time to see abilities.

Letting others, especially kids, know their abilities will stick with them for a long time, possibly the rest of their lives.

In the Psychology Today article the author shared a story about being a kid playing football. He shared that he was small for his age and always picked last for a team. One day after playing football the team captain told him that he was a good player and that he wanted to pass the ball to him more. The author states that this stuck with him. Someone noticed his abilities and shared that with him. He felt more capable and more accepted. He felt as if he really was good at sports. He stated that this was the beginning of years of sports because he felt good about his abilities.

What abilities have noticed from your students? Have you told them?

We need to do more than notice abilities to support our students. We need to look for their positive character traits. 

Psychologist who study positive psychology believe that we all have positive values we display. Some values are stronger and some weaker but never lacking. These psychologist created the VIA Values in Action survey. This survey can be found at VIAcharacter.org. You can take it and find your own strengths. Students can take it and find theirs. You can help students know they have positive character traits by telling them the good you see in them.

When we being to explore the good in others, often times we find the good in ourselves. Finding good in others benefits us all. 

Which student do you need to find the good in? Will you take the time to find the good and let them know?