This week while spending a (rare) quiet moment reading I was presented with an idea that stood out to me. In her book, Maybe You Should Talk To Someone, psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb talks about her own journey in counseling as well as how she counsels others. She shares, "In therapy we aim for self-compassion (Am I human?) versus self-esteem (a judgement: Am I good or bad?)"
The concept of self-compassion versus self-esteem stood out to me when thinking about our students. Are we utilizing mindfulness to teach our students self-compassion? Too often our society tells us that we must fill children with self-esteem to make them strong and feel their best. What if we utilize our time to teach them to take care of themselves?
This idea, of course, lead me down the path of exploring mindfulness and self-compassion. A journey easy to take. Mindfulness teaches us to be aware and accepting. When we are aware of our feelings and we accept them as they come we will learn to have more self-compassion.
How many times have you heard self-defeating comments from a student? I hear them from my 2-year-old. She will be engaging in an activity and will suddenly state "I can't, I just can't." She will then have a sad look on her face and stop her task. I of course take the time to ask her what she feels she can not do and tell her maybe she can not do it yet but to keep trying. I don't tell her something untrue and fill her with "yes you can, just do it." In stead I teach her to have self-compassion and remind her that sometimes you cannot do something but that means you need to keep trying. Remember; our brains are wired toward negative not positive. Being positive needs to be taught.
I had never before thought of self-esteem as teaching us to question if we are good or bad. This makes me sad that we are told by society that our children need to be filled with self-esteem. I would rather we take time to work on self-compassion. The question "am I human" has one answer for us all, "yes". When we answer yes than we can look at the bigger picture. Humans make mistakes. Humans need help.
Self-compassion mindfulness looks like: using the 90 second rule to feel and left go, practicing loving-kindness mediation, eating a healthy lunch, drinking water, moving/exercising, sleeping, and using kind words with ourselves.
When I did in home social work I would have to talk with every member of a family about violence in the home. This often left clients feeling ashamed, vulnerable, and self-defeated. Our students have homes we may never be able to imagine, families we may never be able to understand, and lives that leave them desperate to feel better (to know self-compassion).
Instead of teaching self-esteem, let's teach self-compassion through mindfulness.
One of my favorite ways to teach positive self-talk, which fits well with loving-kindness meditation is to teach "I can", "I am" , and "I will".
Teaching our students to take a one minute break to say "I can try my best, I will try my best, I am doing my best," can be a great start to opening students up to self-compassion. Try it yourself today. Maybe you are feeling defeated by the structure of the school year, the pandemic, personal life issues, students, co-workers, pets...the list of things could go on and on. Try some kind mindfulness. Try self-compassion.
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