Defy Expectations and Show Compassion

This week I wanted to take a look at a topic I present on the parent blog last week. Human behavior and it's complexity. 

Our students are complex and some of them we know well and can predict how they will behave in a given situation. Other students, no matter how well we know them, we just do not know how they will react or behave.

Psychologist and Nobel Peace Prize recipient Daniel Kahneman dedicated much of his career and life to the study of human behave. As a child, before he even know his life path would be human behavior, Kahneman had an experience which led him to consider the complexity of human behavior.  

Daniel Kahneman was a young Jewish boy raised in Nazi occupied Paris, France. 

When asked to write his biography for the Nobel, Daniel wrote about an experience he had at the age of seven. Kahneman shared that during this time in his life, being a Jew during World War Two, he was forced to wear a yellow Star of David on his clothing. He also had curfews imposed on him. One day while out playing with a Christian friend, he realized he was out past curfew. In an attempt to make it home safely Daniel turned his sweater inside-out and began to walk a mile home.

As he walked home Daniel saw what he was taught to fear the most; an SS officer. They were the worst of the worst.

The SS officer called Daniel over to him. Daniel knew he had to follow the directions, but was nervous the SS officer would noticed his inside-out clothes and spot the star.

The SS office began to talk in German as he pulled out his wallet. The officer showed Daniel a picture of a young boy, about his age. The officer's son Daniel guessed. The officer then hugged Daniel, gave him money, and sent him on his way home.

This encounter could have meant certain death for Daniel, instead it taught him that his mother was right all of the times she told him "people are complex."

Our students are complex. Think for a moment the view some student may have of school and you. 

I had a middle school student come to my office this week and share something that had happened in class. He had made some poor choices based on the poor choices of another student. As he shared that interaction with me he faced away from me. When he was finished he turned around and asked if I had anything to say. I simply answered, no. He then, very perplexed asked, "you aren't disappointed in me?" Again, I answered very simply, no.

This student was ready for disappointment. When he was met with understanding, compassion, and empathy, he was at a loss and relieved. We then were able to talk through his choice, why he made it, and what he could learn from the experience. He knew he let his anger take control instead of him controlling his anger. He has had practice learning to handle his emotions. He shared that he has taken anger management classes. He knows SEL and Mindfulness. 

By the time the student left my office he was able to smile and express gratitude for a safe place that makes him feel wanted, included, and helps him talk through situations without judgment. 

I share these stories to help us take a look at human behavior. 

Daniel Kahneman in an interview on the podcast Experts on Experts, when a comment was made about Hitler, responded, "even Hitler liked dogs and babies." A man who could be bitter and filled with hate took a moment to recognized the humanity even in the worst of humanity. 

The student in my office this week could have left my office feeling worse about himself but my behavior surprised him for the good. Like the SS office, I defied an expectation and made someone's worry dissipate. 

Take a moment to think about your students. Are you showing them compassion, empathy, and deifying their expectations? 

Mindfulness teaches us to be in the moment. What, in this moment, can you do to show someone you care? What student needs to feel safe in the school? What student needs to feel wanted in your classroom? There is a quote that says "The children who need the most love will ask for it in the most unloving ways." Have you returned their unloving requests with love? Or have you met the expectation that they believe adults don't care?

As we inch closer and closer to the end of the school year we have students longing for summer break. We also have students who know what it will mean to be home and wish to be at school. Taking time the next couple of weeks to teach some extra mindfulness may be equipping your students with coping skills for the summer ahead.