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I loved this idea of addressing power struggles, giving students power without releasing your own, and asking students to obey (follow) the rules, not you.
Avoiding power struggles can be a difficult task. One we often cannot do alone. Power struggles are real and happen before we even know we have entered into one.
My four-year-old is a delight. She is funny, smart, and full of personality. At night she turns into a "tiny terrorist." If you'd like to see an example of a power struggle head on over to my house at 7:00pm. What should be a simple request, put on your pajamas, turns into mommy walking away frustrated. I know I should remain calm. I know I should give clear instructions and not engage in a back-and-forth. I know these things, but I just want her to go to bed.
Do you ever feel this way with students? You know you should remain calm. You know you should only give clear instructions and not engage in a back-and-fourth...and yet you do.
The two quotes on the graphic ring true to me.
"The reality is that no one wins a power struggle"- Ross Greene
"See a child differently...see a different child." - Stewart Shanker
While thinking about these two quotes I did some mindfulness research to find a mindful way to handle power struggles.
Before my research, my go-to mindfulness practice at my daughter's bedtime was to step out of her bedroom and take deep breaths. I noticed this worked for me, but it didn't work for her. She didn't change her behaviors. She was still avoiding pjs and now crying that mommy was taking a timeout.
I found an insightful article on how to approach power struggles using a mindfulness technique called pause and use PLACE. I know about a mindful pause, that's what I do for myself, but it's the use of PLACE that was new to me.
PLACE
P: Playfulness. This one seems odd by name when you are thinking about keeping your own power and at the same time seeking direction following from a child. What playfulness means for this practice is; lightness, hope, and openness. When we are playful we have a lightness to our personality, we have a hope for things to go well, and we are open to the experience.
When you are asking students to follow directions and they are struggling to do so, stay open, light, and hopeful. Instead of yelling, try gentle talking. Instead of getting louder, get quieter. Be calm and at peace, not stressed.
L: Loving. We can love our students with kindness and firmness. An honest love for a child is kind and sets clear boundaries.
A: Acceptance. "Perfect just as is" even when challenging behaviors arise. Children need to know they are accepted even when their behaviors are not. We accept who they are, not how they are acting.
C: Curiosity. Be fascinated and wonder. Aim to understand the behavior. When we simple seek to stop a behavior we do not learn how to prevent a reoccurrence. Seek to understand what happened before the behavior, during the behavior, and how you were able to best address the behavior. When we know the need we can help meet the need or find a compromise.
E: Empathy. Students want to "feel felt." They need you to put yourself in their shoes. They need you to feel with them. Do not stop feelings, understand them and work through them.
PLACE isn't easy and it takes time.
I took time to try it with my four-year-old. Bedtime wasn't perfect but better. I stayed and took deep breaths and gave clear instructions with love and watched her behavior at the times she was not following directions. She wanted to pick out her bedtime books. We found a compromise. PJs and then books, or no books. She loves books so she took time to pick out pajamas.
This week take time to think of one student with whom you engage in power struggles. Try the mindfulness practice of PLACE.
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