Teaching our students how to give a proper apology is not that hard. We can talk them through all of the steps beyond saying "I'm sorry." The step after the apology is often and easily missed.
Have you ever been part of an apology? Have you ever listened to an apology? More often than not the response to an apology is "it's ok." And this is anything but ok.
Research by psychologist Dr. John Gottman shows the importance of being able to rebound from conflict and return to positive communication.
Dr. Gottman also shares in his research that apologies can be humiliating, which is often a deterrent to repeating negative behaviors.
On the Calm app's Daily Jay from April 7, 2025, Jay talks about how apologies allow space for self-awareness and accountability.
When we consider what Jay shares and Dr. Gottman, then we need to consider how we respond to ensure we are supporting the process of self-awareness and accountability. When someone apologizes and we respond with "it's ok" we negate the accountability.
Psychologists Dr. Regina Lazarovich and Dr. Catherine Nobile have also researched giving and accepting apologies.
Dr. Nobile shares that apologies are a chance to heal and grow. She also shared that declining an apology is the polar opposite and can lead to unhealed wounds, unresolved negative feelings, and resentment.
This lesson teaches us that the apology is just as much for the giver and it is the receiver. In fact, even if we may not feel ready to hear the apology we need to allow the space and time for it to happen. We can then share a variety of helpful responses. Expressing appreciation for he other person taking responsibility reinforces the improvement of behaviors.
The following are some examples of apology acceptances we can give and can teach our students to express.
1. Thank you for apologizing. I hear that you didn't mean to cause me harm, and I know that admitting your mistake was a vulnerable thing to do. I accept your apology and appreciate your commitment to doing better in the future.
2. Thank you for your apology. It really helps me that you have taken accountability.
3. Thank you for admitting how you contributed to this situation. I accept your apology, and I'm also sorry for my part.
4. I accept your apology and I'm still feeling very hurt and upset. I want to forgive you, but I need more time to process what happened.
5. I really appreciate this, and your apology resonates. How can we make this less likely to happen in the future?
6. I accept your apology, and what you did was not okay. For us to continue to have a relationship, I need X,Y,Z to change going forward.
7. It takes a big person to admit when they are wrong. I appreciate that.
8. I accept your apology and what you did was not okay. The harm that you caused is not something I can forgive. To protect myself from further hurt, I no longer want us to have any sort of relationship or communication. Please respect my decision.
Obviously that last one is for true hurt that breaks trust and limits the ability to rebuild trust. The last is to be used when significant harm has occurred.
Responding to the apology matters just as much as the apology itself. Teaching children to show an understanding that it takes a lot to apologize teaches empathy and compassion. Apologizing is not easy and should never be dismissed. Take the time to hear a student apologize. Take the time to practice apologies and apology acceptance with students.
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