Aspect-Shift

 "See a child differently, see a different child."- Dr. Shanker

Have you ever found yourself saying something like the following:

"This student is so lazy."

"This student never tries."

"This student does not listen."

"This student has the worst attitude."

If we are honest, we all have had those thoughts, or similar. We need to learn to do a mind shift. Much like our Most Generous Interpretation of a student's behavior, we need to shift our view of the student.

"This student is so lazy." ->aspect shift-> "This student looks tired, I wonder if they slept well."

"This student never tries." ->aspect shift-> "This student appears to struggle with math, I wonder how we can help."

"This student does not listen." ->aspect shift-> "This student is having a difficult time complying with my requests, I wonder if he is confused and how I can reframe things for better understanding."

"This student has the worst attitude." ->aspect shift-> "This student is struggling to express her emotions and appears overwhelmed by her emotions."

Dr. Shanker shares on his website Self-Reg.Ca and in his practice that we need an aspect shift to see students differently and we will see a different student. 

Our aspect-shift can start with our thinking, our MGI, but it also should include more.

An aspect-shift incorporates our full self.

When we approach a student we struggle to connect with due to behavior or attitude we need to reflect on:

-Facial Expression

-Eye Gaze

-Tone of Voice

-Gestures

-Posture

We need to aspect shift ourselves. How we interact. We need to shift to self-regulation.

Our own self regulation matters. Until a child learns to self regulate they will borrow our regulation. A child will not only notice your self regulation but they will mirror it and share your calm. If you are not calm, a child also share your chaos. 

How you see a child and how you approach and interact with them can change the situation in a split second. 

Regulating a child starts with regulating yourself. Your self-regulation will help you begin to see your student differently, it will help with your aspect shift.

Take some time to think about that one student who seems to always be causing problems in your class. As yourself:

-How do stand when I am by them? Do I tower over or get down to their level? Do I sit with them? Am I standing straight and stiff or am I relaxed and calm?

-How do I hold my hands? Do I hold my arms across my body? Am I using my hands to talk? Are my hands in fists?

-What is the tone of my voice? Calm and even or loud, high-pitched, and fast?

-Where am I looking? Am I so angry (and not remembering q-tip) I avoid eye contact?

-What does my face read? Is it relaxed or tense? How are my eyebrows?

70% of communication is non-verbal. It is not what we say but how we say it and how we look when we say it.  And children are excellent at reading body language. They will unconsciously react to your unspoken interactions with them.

What might that next interaction look like with your challenging student if you; first thought about your non-verbal communication, second you regulated your own emotions, and then lastly saw the student from a different perspective?  

We need to aspect shift to see our students in a different light and use MGI. Aspect shifting starts with ensuring we are regulating ourselves. We can't see a different differently if we are seeing red from our own anger. 

 

We don't have difficult students giving us a hard time. We have good students having a difficult time.

TALK and Connect

This week has been one of those weeks where I have tossed around a lot of ideas for the blog and nothing seemed to fit just right. That is until yesterday. A combination of the podcast I listened to while making dinner and the audio book I listened to while on the treadmill inspired the ideas and suggestions I am about to share. I hope that you find some wisdom and inspiration, as I did, and begin to plan ways you too can use the information.

Last night I listened to Armchair Experts, Expert on Expert, Alison Wood Brooks. Alison is a professor at Harvard with a popular course called, TALK: How to talk gooder in business and life. Alison is also the author of the book, TALK, The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves.

As I listened I began to think about how we can apply her conversation ideas to our classrooms and interactions with our students.

Alison shares in her book and class ways in which we can become better conversationalist. Most people believe either someone is good or someone is bad at having a conversation and that is it. But it's not. We can work on how to have better conversations. 

TALK is an acronym that can help us think about how we have conversations with others.

T: Topics. We do not always know, in the moment, what to talk about with others. If we know we are meeting someone new, having a meetings, or doing a one-on-one we can take time to preplan at least two to three topics. This creates a feeling of calm, ready, and curiosity.

When I think about our students I wonder if we ever preplan a topic of conversation. If you have a 2x10 student have you preplanned your topics or are you just coming up with them on the fly. Try planning a couple things each day. This will help the conversation start more easily and flow better.

A: Ask. When we talk to others we need to ask questions. Questions in which we do not know the answers. Explore. Understand. Get to know.

When you preplan a topic for a 2x10 student think of questions that you do not know yet but would love to find out. Questions that are non-school related.

L: Levity. Balance your topics with humor, warmth, and gravity. 

When we get to know our students it is good to think of light topics to start with and build as we grow the relationship. Over the course of your 2x10 begin to preplan questions that explore the students whole world. Ask lighthearted questions and questions that make your student think.

K: Kindness. Speak with respect. Engage receptively, even with opposing views. Listen responsibly. 

I always share with students that we are listening to understand not to respond. A kind conversation wants to know the information not just share the information.

That old saying "Think before your speak (talk)" really means more to me now. I will think about TALK before I talk. I may even start to make a list of topics to talk about with students and make a list of great questions. Being ready to talk with a student can help build the relationship quicker and stronger.

Now that we have learned how to TALK, lets dive back into Good Inside with Dr. Becky. 

In Chapter 11 Dr. Becky talks about building connections with children. Dr. Becky shares that if we want to see undesirable behavior diminish and stop, we first need to build connection.

Dr. Becky shares that she started PNP with her children. Play No Phones. This is a 10-15 minute block of time at least once a week. No electronics. Child driven. Time together.

Again this idea had me reflecting on 2x10. Or if you rather maybe take 10-15 minutes once a week from lunch, recess, or specials. No electronics. Let the student pick a game to play or topic of talk. If it's talk, be prepared with some of your TALK tips. Dr. Becky shared that this is a great time for reflections or parallel play. If the student wants to color, color with them. If the student wants to walk quietly, walk with them. This is a time to let a student know you are there for them and it has nothing to do with how well they are doing their work or how good their behavior may or may not be that day. Fill them up.

In her chapter on connection Dr. Becky also shares about The Fill Up Game. For her this was created when she observed her oldest son struggling when her youngest child was born. For them it looked like hugs and snuggles until her son was "filled up" and had a little extra mom so he could go play on full not empty.

For us with students this looks like time, attention, and being there for a student not just when you need to redirect or discipline. Again as I listened I kept reflecting on 2x10 or committing to a lunch once a week with a student, or the first 15 minutes of specials. A special time of positive connection to fill, build, and bond.

How might your classroom change if you practiced TALK and connection?

Can you pick one student out next week and give it a try?

MGI

Last week I started a book that is amazing. You may find me sharing from it as I continue to listen. It's about a 10 hour listen, so there is a lot of good information to come our way. The book is called Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy.

Dr. Becky Kennedy, if you aren't familiar, is amazing! Her focus is parenting, children, and parent-child relationships. So, as you can guess, Good Inside is about parenting. But that doesn't mean it cannot apply to other aspects of our lives. In fact Dr. Becky shares in the book that the parenting skills she shares can be applied to any of our relationships. 

The first lesson I want to share is MGI, Most Generous Interpretation. 

This lesson has stuck with me and has encouraged me to pause and rethink a situation as it is happening and after it has happened.

Dr. Becky encourage us to look at a situation and give some benefit of the doubt. We need to remind ourselves that the other person does not mean malice toward us and is not intentionally trying to harm us. If you think about it MGI is similar to Q-TIP.

We aren't taking things personally and we are stepping back to give a generous interpretation of a situation. 

I want to make a quick disclaimer, MGI does not excuse abuse and is not to be applied in those kind of situations. MGI is for our everyday life behaviors. 

MGI is assuming the best in others. It does not excuse their behaviors but rather gives space around the why  of the behavior.

Dr. Becky shares in her book that when a situation occurs we need to give the MGI. 

For example; a student is working quietly and then as if out of no where begins to shout and scream. We could tell them to stop. We could ask them what is wrong with them, you know what I mean "ask" but its more a statement "what is wrong with you?" Or we could use the MGI and say to ourselves that this is a student having a difficult moment and they need help. 

Let's use a more dramatic example. A student is visibly upset and begins throwing things. We could assume they are out of control, they don't care about others, and that they are a bad kid. Or we could use the MGI and ask why (to ourselves). This student is observed to be in distress. They probably have a learned angry behavior and being young their brain isn't fully developed and does not know another way to handle their emotions. 

We have a student that often gives attitude. The parent has identified that the attitude occurs with them as well. We could decide that this student is just a pre-teen full of undesirable attitude.  We could say that she is a bad kid with a bad attitude. Maybe we might even believe the behavior is intentional to anger us. Or we can use the MGI and look at the bigger picture. The home life. The instability. The tired look in her eyes. We do not excuse the behavior, but we see the bigger picture. We don't take it personally. We hold her accountable but also when she is ready to talk and hear reason, we give her understanding.

When my daughter takes her sweet time getting ready for bed at night I try hard to remember to give her the MGI. She loves to play with her stuffies. She loves to play school. She loves to read books. She loves to spend time with mom. She isn't being defiant and bad. She is taking her time to gain more time. MGI. She doesn't want to be alone in her bedroom. If I take time to acknowledge her feelings and express my own she can learn bedtime is not the worst time. Yelling at her to go to bed will not help her feel better about being alone. Yelling at her will not help her get ready for bed faster.

As educators we can look at our students behaviors and ask ourselves why and give the most generous interpretation.

Dr. Brene Brown also did some research into the MGI. Her findings tell us that those who are generous with their interpretations of others words and actions are happier and more fulfilled.

Extending the MGI helps those in the crisis moment and helps those handling the crisis moment.

 Could you try to look at a student and give them the MGI of their behaviors and attitude? 

Hurry Up and Grow Up

 The Hurried Child.

The first time you hear this term you may believe that it refers to us making children "hurry up" or "move faster." 

The truth is making our children or students move fast is not The Hurried Child of Hurried Child Syndrome. Hurried Children are those who are overscheduled and forced to grow up too fast. Their life is hurried.

Look around your classroom, chances are you have a lot of hurried children. 

This week I want to take time to talk about the hurried child , who they are, what are the causes, what we might see because of it, and how we can support these children.

If you have children you may be familiar with; playdates, sports starting young, music lessons, clubs, etc. We, as a society, are known to schedule and over-schedule our children. We believe that old adage of "ideal hands" and not allowing boredom because that leads to mischief.  

There is a problem with making sure our children are always on the go. No childhood. No time to be bored. No free time. No down time. No time to decompress. No creative time. No self-care time.

Hurried Child Syndrome is borne from over-scheduling our children. It can also be borne from children that have to grow up too fast and parent their younger siblings.

Look around your classroom, chances are you have a lot of hurried children.

How can you spot a hurried child?

-Do you have a student focused on winning...all of the time?

-Do you have a hyper-focused student?

-Do you have a student who is extremely competitive?

-Do you have a student who can tell you all about the family finances?

-Do you have a student who knows all the family drama? Mom's dating life? Dad's dating life?

If you can answer yes to any of those, chances are, you have a hurried child.

In the 1980's David Elkind, PhD first presented finding and coined Hurried Child Syndrome. Dr. Elkind shared that we are forcing our children to grow up too fast. We are hurrying up their childhoods. And we are causing potentially life long problems.

Parents, even well-meaning parents, have become increasingly more likely theses days to put their children into situations that exceed their developmental capabilities. 

We are creating mini adults and not allowing children to just be kids.

Our children who fall into the hurried child category may have struggles with sleep, poor eating habits, and may not get enough physical activity. These children may also have stalled emotional development, feelings of unworthiness, and have an obsession with achievement. These children may also have an inability to have meaningful relaxation and may even express resentment and defiance toward parents.

A Hurried Child may also display

-stress

-anxiety

-lack of free play (they may not play at recess because they do not know how)

-perfectionism

-loss of interest in hobbies

-emotional detachment

-excessive use of technology 

How can we help??

We can't tell parents to let go and stop over-scheduling their children. We can't ask parents to be parents and let their children be kids. But we can help.

As a parent I had a moment recently of letting go of my child's schedule. Leila told me she wanted a break from ballet. She told me she did three shows and that was a lot. While her dad and I love watching her shows and we know she loves dancing (she dances around the house daily) we had to leave it up to her. I wanted to sign her up again. Dad asked her if she was really sure she didn't want to do the class. In the end she picked no ballet. And in all honesty it's a nice break from taking her to classes twice a week. Letting my child tell me she felt hurried helped me out too.

As educators we can provide down time. 

Recess.

Fun Friday.

Friendship parties.

Brain breaks.

We can encourage emotional awareness. 

Inner Explorer (spring challenge coming soon) Don't let students work during this time. Don't let them color or draw. Tell them to sit quietly and be still. They need to learn to be still. To live in the moment. To be in the moment of calm and peace.

It may seems like small ways for us at school. But it can have a big impact on a hurried child.