Build The Skill

"Stop overreacting!"

"Why are you reacting that way?"

"No need to be so dramatic."

"You don't need to cry about it."

"No one else is acting this way, why are you?"

"You know how to act better" 

Let's take a moment and pause and reflect. Have you ever said any of these statements? We all have. They come out before we think about it. The last statement on our list is why we are here this week. Do our students really know how to act better? Who has taught them? Who has shown them?

For many of our students, their home life is not filled with important life lessons on how to handle emotions and overcome obstacles. For many students they are the "adult" at home. For many students they are taught to "suck it up." Many of our students do not have someone at home teaching them how to regulate their emotions. We need to step in and support.

What were you taught as a child? Were you taught to identify an emotion, label it and learn from it? Or were feelings just not talked about in your home? Ignore the "bad" or "negative" emotions and they will go away. Expect the positive emotions at all times. Have you ever been told to smile? Subtext, just be happy all of the time. 

Children learn to regulate emotions from us. It starts with co-regulation as we show and teach them how to handle the more challenging emotions. 

In the past I have shared how I have intentionally worked with my own children on how to handle and express emotions. Before Leila really understood what I was talking about I would simply pick her up and take exaggerated deep breaths during a typical toddler meltdown (they are normal it has to do with limited communication stills and lack of emotional regulation skills). I was able to observe her meltdown to end in less than a minute. Her breathing synced up with mine. Her mirror neurons couldn't help but fire across synapsis and create a neural connect to breathing and calming down.

How do you react to unwanted behaviors in the classroom? Are you helping your students react?

The website Turnaroundusa.org says this about a co-regulated classroom:

"While it might feel counterintuitive in the moment, the best way we can create classrooms conducive to learning is not to demand compliance, but to lean into attuned, responsive relationships that empower students to own their learning and be accountable to their community."

I love the language they use, words such as; attuned responsive relationships, empower students, and accountable to community.

Co-regulating is an interactive approach. It is a partnership between students and adults. 

When we meet students needs where they are at emotionally, not where we are at emotionally, we build a trusting and caring relationship. When a student feels a sense of belonging they want to be in class and they are open and receptive to learning. 

Begin co-regulation by practicing in mindfulness with your students. Use I-Feel language. Put up a Mood Meter. Encourage positive empowering statements that begin I Can, I Will, I Am.

When we talk with students about how their actions make us feel, without judgment they can learn how they affect others.

 "I feel disheartened when....because... I would like to help you find new ways to ..."

Let students know what you notice. Let them know you see them, as a person, not just an action.

The way you wish a student would react to a situation is exactly what you need to first show with your actions and then teach with your words. They will only have the skill once you give it to them.

 

Wild Butterflies

 

"Your brain didn't evolve for you to think and feel and see, it actually evolved for you to control your body."-Lisa Feldman Barrett, professor of psychology at Northeastern University

Dr. Feldman Barrett has also been quoted as saying, "Mindfulness buys you the capacity to easily shift the focus of attention, which allows you the re-conceptualize easier. To predict better."

The picture above is another lessons on accepting an emotion instead of dismissing the emotion. As we begin to think about testing season we may want to think about the feelings of nervousness, anxiety, and worry. Perhaps, in your life, you struggle with these emotions yourself. Our duty to our minds and bodies is not to get rid of the emotion but rather to figure out how to work with the emotion. Get those butterflies in formation.

Next week starts our annual 21 days until Spring Break Mindfulness Challenge. We can take control of our bodies, as Dr. Feldman Barrett shared is the reason why our brain evolved. Dr. Feldman Barrett also has also shared that mindfulness gives us that capacity to take control.

Before we begin the challenge take some time to explore Inner Explorer or even sign up if you haven't yet. The link below is to our school account.

https://ieorg.page.link/dEVF6vgKNFsgF8Gq5

Did you know that you can invite families to join? You can send a link to families which allows practice time outside of school. You can also utilize the Tune In section of the program to connect families to your class mindfulness experience. 

Do you need help utilizing Inner Explorer? Here are our top 10 mindfulness champions!

With a short week comes a short blog. (I need to get us ready for the challenge.) 

Please reach out if you need help with setting up Inner Explorer. More details will be coming soon regarding the challenge.

Instagram Happiness

 Instagram Happiness. Social Media Fake. Toxic Positivity.

Just Think Positive.

Fake it till You Make it.

If you Look Happy then you'll Be Happy.

Good Vibes Only.

We have all fallen into the trap of feeling that we must always look on the brighter side. In our times of difficulty or sadness we have had others say these platitudes to us. In the face of others' difficulties we have said these statements.

Psychology Today states that Toxic Positivity is a pattern of behavior characterized by social (social media) pressure to display only positive emotions. This behavior invalidates all other feelings. 

A quick Google search of "Good Vibes Only" and you will find poster, sticker, shirt, ect with this saying. You will also find similar sayings such as "Stay Positive."  And I have to admit that as I helped my five-year-old pick out a school outfit last night I noticed she has a shirt that says "Good Vibes Only." We all buy in.

The intention behind these sayings is to encourage, uplift, and inspire ourselves and others to look on the brighter side of life. However, it isn't always bright outside. We cannot always be shiny happy people. And when you are in the darkest part of life it is hard to see the light. When people keep telling you to look for it you feel as if they do not care about your darkness. Not really.

All emotions provide important information. Emotion suppression can backfire. Instead of emotion suppression we need emotion expression. Emotional expression leads to authenticity. 

Robert Frost said " The only way out is through." While Frost was talking about a forest, we can adapt this sentiment to feelings. The only way past them is going through them. To acknowledge them. To accept them. To experience them. To work with them. To reframe them.

How do we learn to express authentic emotions and work through them?

If you said, Mindfulness, you are correct. By now you are not surprised that this is my answer. Let's take a moment to walk back trough Toxic Positivity and what it does to us verse what Mindfulness does for us. 

Toxic Positive is often put into place where sympathy or empathy should be utilized. Sometimes we need a listening ear, not a catchy saying.

A few examples of Toxic Positivity Traps are:

Someone hit my car. At least you didn't get hurt.

This job is frustrating. At least you have a job.

I can't believe I didn't get that raise. Everything happens for a reason.

I don't feel like anyone really cares. You shouldn't feel that way.

....it'll all work out....the best is yet to come...don't worry...stay positive...you'll get through it...

We do not feel heard, cared for, understood, or loved when our feelings and experiences are dismissed. When our feelings do not feel valid, we do not feel valid. 

Mindfulness teaches us how to respond in a way that helps others feel heard, seen, and important.

Researcher Maya Tamir, Ph.D. has found that when you judge our unpleasant emotions negatively, rather than accepting them as they are, you will have worse well-being.

An emotion can be unpleasant and give us a teachable moment. (a yes-and from our last post!)

In an interview on  psychologist Adam Grant's podcast, psychologist Susan David talked about toxic positivity and reframing our emotions. She shared that emotions are not good or bad and we should approach them with compassion, curiosity, and acceptance.   

Our world values our emotional "strength" when we do not show unpleasant emotions in the face of unpleasant times. Susan David in this podcast shared that when her father died she was praised for being strong when she was asked how she was doing and she hid the truth and told others she was doing well.

Susan likes calling Toxic Positive, The Tyranny of Positivity. The definition of tyranny is "all power in the hands of a single ruler." When we do not acknowledge unpleasant emotions we give all power to the pleasant emotions. All Power to the Positive. I kind of feel like that might be the next catchy quote for the Good Vibes Only group.

We cannot and should not live with all power to one emotion. We need to have a compassionate understand for all emotions. 

We need to let our students have a compassionate understanding (mindfulness) of their emotions. We cannot tell students to stop a feeling. We need to help them understand and walk through the feelings. 

Don't Instagram your feelings and only show what you think others want to see. Be authentic. Acknowledge, Accept, Reframe.

The Improv Classroom

Let's spend some time this week gathering lessons from improv. It might sound like a crazy idea, but stick with me. 

First improv is all about being in the moment. Paying attention. Being present. If you do not pay attention then you will not know how to respond. And in improv it is all about the response. This sounds a lot like mindfulness to me. Being present, in the moment, and paying attention. When we do these things we can learn how to respond to emotions and situations in a healthy way.

Next we have what Keegan-Michael Key calls "backing up to discover." In an interview regarding improv Keegan-Michael Key (you know Substitute Teacher...you done messed up A-Aron) shared that he sees improv as backing up to discover the larger world. In impro you build the story from the words you are given and the world around you. You have to create something from seeing a larger view not a smaller view. What if we did this with our classrooms and students?

Often times we zero in on a students' flaw. We focus on the small moments and problems without looking at the bigger picture. Back up. Discover. 

This week a kinder friend was having a challenging moment. The classics; not listening, not following directions, purposefully ignoring a teacher. In stead of focusing on the moment we took some time to get the bigger picture. We backed up and listened to discover. This friend shared some changes at home. Things aren't stable. She's not in control. And what do humans do when they do not feel in control in one aspect of their lives...they try to control another. This little one was controlling what she did and did not do in class. 

Back up. Discover.

Along the lines of looking at a bigger picture, Seth Rogan has shared that he feels improv is about the story not the joke. He says that great improv actors play it as a writer not someone trying to land the joke. They ask, what is the story here? A joke might land but it might not move the story forward. One joke does not a scene make. You need more to move forward.

For us that means asking what the story is, not just the moment. What can I do move the story forward? 

Have you ever had a situation happen with a student and then it feels like you are stuck in that moment? The student doesn't know how to move past the moment. You struggle to move on. What will move the story forward...you addressing a concern and being done with it or you holding on to the moment and bringing it back up at other times? When we get stuck on what happened we miss the why and we stop the story. We do not move forward and neither does the student. They need us to move forward to show them how to move forward after a situation.

Step Back. Discover. Move the Story Forward. 

Another great lesson improv is Improv 101: Yes...And

In improv the idea of Yes...And is to set up a scene and always agree and expand. Never say no. 

An improv lesson from Tina Fey

The idea of Yes..And in the classroom is not about always agreeing with a student, but rather teaching them that two things can be true at one time.

Another lesson from kindergarten this week is a Yes...And... moment. A friend was struggling because she wanted to go home. She missed mom. We were able to talk with her about Yes, you miss mom, but you can have an And such as, I can have fun at school. Yes: I miss mom. And: I can have fun at school. 

We can use Yes...And... to help our students see that being upset, sad, or angry about one thing does not mean we have to be upset, sad, or angry about all things. 

Yes: Another student called me a mean name. And: I am doing better in math and that is my real focus.

Yes: I am tired. And: I am still going to do my work and be productive.

Yes: I would rather be at home. And: I am going to be at school and do my work.

Yes: I am feeling sad and do not want to talk about it. And: I am going to be brave and talk about it.

We can help our students work out of a place of being stuck in one emotion by introducing them to the idea that two emotions can both be true at the same time.

Yes...And... can work for adults too.

Yes: I am frustrated with my class. And: I am going to be positive with them today.

Yes: I am tired and did not want to come in today. And: I am here and I am ready to go.

Yes: I am struggling in my personal life. And: That has nothing to do with my students so at school I will focus on them.

Yes...And... can also teach us lessons on courage.

In a psychology today article it was shared that Yes... And... as a New Years Resolution can help you experience new things you've been too afraid to try.

Yes: I am scared to skydive. And: I am going to do it with a friend.

What are your Yes... And... statements?

What might a Yes... And... statement be for your students? 

Yes I had a bad moment. And my teacher really listened. They stepped back. Discovered my why. And helped me move my story and day forward.

Emotional Intelligence the Mindful Way

This Adam Grant post perfectly sums up and advocates for mindfulness. He states emotions are not our call to action but rather encourage us to spent time reflecting. Mindfulness is the pause and reflect time. 

In an article on Mindful.org, Kimberly Brown a meditation teacher, shares that mindfulness is not about fixing or eliminating emotions but rather learning to understand them.

When we take time to engage in mindful mediation we can learn to ask ourselves "what am I experiencing right now?" Each of us needs to learn how to feel and evaluate an emotion. Not all emotions are experienced in the same way, person to person. Anxiety looks vastly different from one person to the next. Emotions are highly subjective. Utilizing mindfulness to explore and evaluate emotions helps us to address our needs in a reflective not reactive way.

My house is a big Bluey house. If you are not familiar, check it out. 

Disney plus recently added new episodes. One called 'Stickbird' has a moment of mindfulness. Bluey teaches her younger sister Bingo about releasing anger from the body. At one point Bluey askes Bingo what she wanted to do with the anger now that it is out of her body. Bingo attempts to give it to Bluey. Bluey states she does not want it. Mindfulness teaches us how to release an emotion instead of holding on to it or giving it to others. These cute dogs toss the anger into the ocean. And as an adult you will catch the part where Bandit, the dad, utilizes the skill too.

This mindful activity is similar to a mindfulness I teach our younger students. It's called Pink Bubble. We put emotions into a pink bubble and release it into the air to float as far from us as possible. 

I believe these are examples of evaluating an emotion and experience not "fixing" the emotion. No one told Bingo not to be anger but rather showed/taught her how to find the anger within her and release it in a healthy and helpful way. Remember feelings are subjective and we all experience them differently but we can all learn how to handle them in a healthy manner. 

Another important thing to remember about emotions is that while they are different person to person, they can also be different experience to experience. The next time you are angry it might feel different from the last time you were angry.

 “When we bring a lens of awareness, we can often see that there are multiple parts to an emotion, and through direct experience we realize that they’re not monolithic—they are changing all the time, and that can help loosen their grip by showing that they’re more porous than we’d otherwise believed them to be,” says Dr. Richard Davidson, founder and director of the Center for Healthy Minds at the University of Wisconsin—Madison.

This quote, I feel, helps us see yet another benefit of mindfulness. The awareness mindfulness brings to emotions is the understanding that emotions are porous and not monolithic. 

The more we utilize mindfulness to help us understand our emotions the more we help protect our brain from the negative effects of some strong emotions. Research has shown that mindful meditation builds a protection in the brain which helps slow and stop the damage caused by negative emotions. 

The use of both long term as well as short term mindfulness can help our brains. 

Every mindful moment in your class matters.

Perseverance when we aren't successful

This is Perseverance. It's not how many times we get knocked down, but rather how many times we get back up.(Tubthumping anyone?) Teaching ourselves and our students to have grit will help them be successful. 

Mindfulness is a great tool to help teach our students how to handle the emotions which inevitable arise in times of failure. We will not always be successful. Our students need to know about the times we have triumphed but also about the times we have failed.

Mindfulness helps us reframe the times in which we did not have success. It helps us look deeper into the 'why' we may have failed. I helps us become curious about it and explore new and different approaches. Mindfulness can help us learn gratitude for the small successes when we otherwise only see the big failures.

Some days you may not feel like engaging in mindfulness but it is a great way to build resilience, grit, and perseverance. 

As a school we utilize the mindfulness tool Inner Explorer. I wanted to share a school success. An example of teachers persevering and trying mindfulness.

As a school, this school year (to date) we have completed 10,819 minutes of mindfulness. That is over 180 hours!

You are amazing! If you feel knocked down today I hope this gets you back up again!

Mindful Grit is Perseverance

Perseverance. It is a great word. Saying it makes you feel driven. 

Grit. Similar to perseverance, is also a word that when you say it or think it, you feel it. 

If you have Grit, you Persevere. 

On her website KimRoberts.Co Kim shares " Perseverance seems super-human in the face of never-ending hold-up."

This is something which relates to many of us. When we are faced with a challenge we are unsure we can meet we feel that digging deep for grit and perseverance is a super-human task we cannot muster. The thought to keep going can be a daunting one. We just don't want to do it anymore, not when giving up seems so much easier.

On her website Kim also states that perseverance is showing-up. The beginning of perseverance is simply to show up.

Kim also shares two other things she feels are important parts to perseverance. She states that we need to set intentions. Know what you want to do. Set it as your intention. This gives you your  goal to work toward. This creates the plan. 

Before you show up and set your intentions Kim shares that you must first commit/recommit to a mindfulness meditation practice. 

Why? Good question. 

Research shows that mindfulness helps us develop grit. And as we have learned, grit is perseverance.

Mindfulness encourages us to act with awareness and intention. Awareness and intention have been shown to be predictors of consistency. These are all key aspects in developing grit. 

Mindfulness is an amazing tool which helps us navigate setbacks while sustaining interest and focus on a goal. 

Mindfulness helps us learn; better, calmer, and more productive ways to reevaluate a situation.

If we practice mindfulness we can learn to visualize a setback and work on positive ways to maintain expectations. 

Mindfulness keeps us in the moment, resets experiences, suspend judgment, address anxiety, gain control, and prevent catastrophizing. A daily mindfulness practice can also help us learn the difference between a downward spiral and an upward spiral. Mindfulness helps change our inner voice to one of encouragement and determination and can helps us keep commitments.

On his website RonRutland.com, Ron shares stories of his various journeys in life. One journey began June 20, 2013 and lasted 27 months. For 27 months Ron biked across 75 Countries with the goal of making it to the 2015 rugby world cup in England. 

Ron shares that he quite his corporate job, sold his belongs and started his bike journey in South Africa; just him, a backpack, and a bike.

As he shares about his experience Ron states that during his trip two things got him through; mindfulness and perseverance. Ron shares that he did not simply practice mindfulness but rather feels he became mindfulness and this built his perseverance.

With the start of a new year and many resolutions being made (and wanting to be kept...perseverance perhaps) let's set an intention toward mindfulness. 

To get us started I am sharing a quick mindfulness to help you take a break and find calm in your day.