That's A Hard Pass...

You are worth a "No."

In a 2023 paper, psychologist and researchers; Peter Muris and Henry Otgaer shared that when we consistently say 'yes' to others we are signaling to the self that our time, energy, and needs are expendable. 

When we say 'yes' to everything we are saying that our time, needs, and energy are less important than those of others.

Learning to say 'no' is a declaration of self-worth.

Learning to say 'no' is a topic we have reviewed a couple of years back. But it is worth a refresh for all of us, me included.

November is a great time to practice the appropriate time and place for the word 'no'. 

Learning to say no can help us set healthy boundaries. This time of year, as we enter the holiday season we would benefit from practicing some well placed 'no' responses. 

Remember, you are not responsible for the happiness of others. While you can contribute positivity, it is not your job to ensure others are happy. Not every dish has to been made for Thanksgiving. Not every toy has to be purchased for Christmas. Not every person needs to be invited to your house. And you do not have to attend a holiday gathering that drains you, makes you uncomfortable, or you simply just do not want to attend.

In an article on PostivePsychology.com Laura Coply, Ph D shares with us How to Say No & And Master the Art of Personal Freedom.

Dr. Coply shares that learning to say 'no' is not merely an act of self-preservation but also a way to recognize that this is a skill we owe ourselves. 

Saying 'no' is not an easy task. We may not always know how to say it without hurting others. However, doing so can ensuring that we are true to our needs. 

Saying 'yes' often feels like the social expectation and if we dare to say 'no' we feel the heavy weight of guilt.  Ask yourself, Am I saying yes out of a place of fear? Are you afraid of the reaction you may get if you say 'no'? Remember, their reaction is not your responsibility. Your well-being is your responsibility. 

The more you say 'no' with purpose the better boundaries you will set. 

People will learn to know when you can help and when you need help.

Learning to say 'no' is also a good way to build self-confidence and self-esteem. You are prioritizing you and your mental health. You are standing up strong for you.

Your willingness to set boundaries may also encourage others to set their own.

As we learn to say 'no' we can begin to ask ourselves if we ask or demand too much from others. Are we asking others to say 'yes' and creating social pressure and expectations? 

It is important to remember that as we say 'no' we too may begin hearing more nos. This is not a bad thing. Remember we are all trying to work on setting healthy boundaries.

In an attempt to help us on our healthy boundary journey to use 'no' appropriately I decided to take some time to see what AI might say. I asked Chatgpt to share "creative ways to say no." Below is the list provided.

Playful or Humorous:

1. "Not in this lifetime!"
2. "My crystal ball says... 'Nope!'"
3. "That's a hard pass, but thanks for asking!"
4. "I’m going to have to give that a rain check... indefinitely."
5. "Not today, Satan!"

Light and Polite:

1. "I’m going to have to bow out this time."
2. "I wish I could, but it’s just not in the cards for me right now."
3. "That sounds awesome, but I’m going to pass this time."
4. "I’ll have to sit this one out, but thanks for thinking of me!"
5. "I’m going to have to say no, but I appreciate the offer."

Firm but Kind:

1. "I’m going to have to decline respectfully."
2. "That doesn’t quite work for me at the moment."
3. "Unfortunately, that’s not something I can commit to right now."
4. "I appreciate the invitation, but I have to say no."
5. "That’s not something I can take on right now, but thank you."

Self-Care Focused:

1. "I'm on a self-care mission today, so I’ll have to pass."
2. "I’m prioritizing my own time right now, but thanks for understanding."
3. "I’m currently on a ‘no’ streak – need to recharge!"
4. "I’m in a ‘me-time’ mode, so I can’t take that on right now."
5. "My mental bandwidth is maxed out at the moment, but I really appreciate it!"

In a Work Context:

1. "I’ll have to pass on this one due to my current workload."
2. "I don’t have the capacity to take this on right now, but thank you for considering me."
3. "This isn’t something I can commit to with my current priorities."
4. "That doesn’t align with my current goals, but I appreciate the offer!"
5. "I’m focused on a few other projects right now, so I’ll have to pass."

Witty or Sarcastic (for close friends):

1. "No can do, my schedule is already booked with Netflix."
2. "I would love to, but my couch is calling my name."
3. "If only I had a clone... but unfortunately, it’s just me."
4. "I’m currently accepting requests for ‘no’ only."
5. "I’d love to, but I’ve just made plans with my bed for the evening."

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After reading these responses I decided to ask Chatgpt for "mindful ways to say no." 

1. Express Gratitude First

"Thank you so much for thinking of me. I really appreciate the offer, but I need to decline this time."

2. Acknowledge the Request

"I can see why you’d want me to do that, and it sounds like an interesting opportunity. However, I need to say no right now to honor my own limits."

3. Set Boundaries with Kindness

"I’ve been reflecting on my priorities lately, and I need to honor my time and energy. As much as I would like to help, I have to say no this time."

4. Be Honest but Gentle

"I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed, and I need to take care of my own well-being right now. I hope you understand."

5. Offer a Brief Explanation (If Appropriate)

"At this moment, I don’t have the capacity to take on anything new, but I’m grateful you thought of me."

6. Empathize with Their Position

"I understand this may be disappointing, and I’m really sorry to let you down. However, I need to say no in order to protect my time and energy."

7. Use Mindful Language

"I’ve taken a moment to check in with myself, and I realize that I need to decline this request in order to stay balanced."

8. Reaffirm Your Relationship

"I value our connection and appreciate you asking, but I’m unable to help right now. I hope you understand."

9. Be Direct but Warm

"I’ve thought about it, and I need to say no. It’s important for me to stay true to my needs at this time."

10. Focus on the Positive

"I’m not able to take this on, but I hope you find the right person who can help you!"

My hope is that you take some time to find your way to say 'no' when it is needed. Remember, You are worth the word "No."

 

Find Your Calm

Telling someone to just calm down, doesn't work, they need a how to calm down technique. We all need a how to, we aren't Nike, we can't, Just Do It.

Before I share a fun and quick way to teach our students how to calm down let's take a moment to understand a few whys. 

In a quick read on beingwell.yale.edu we can learn that finding our calm can help with our heart health. This is something we all need, not just adults. We have students who might be dealing with health issues which are heart related. 

Finding calm can also help reduce muscle tension and elevate stress. Calm helps us avoid depression, anxiety, and even obesity. If we think about our students, they often tell us they spend all of their free time on games and eating junk food. With each passing year childhood obesity rates increase.

Calmness can also help improve our brain function and memory. These are key in a school setting, don't you think?

While Yale gives us a compelling list, there is still more. 

Mayoclinic.org also has shared a list of research based reasons to find your calm.

The Mayo Clinic has shared that finding calm can:

-Slow our heart rate

-Lower our blood pressure

-Improve our digestion

-Slow our breathing

-Control our blood sugar levels

-Lessen the activity of stress hormones

-Increase blood flow to major muscles

-Lessen muscle tension and chronic pain

-Improve mood

-Improve the quality of our sleep

-Lower fatigue

-Lessen anger and frustration (do you know how many times a day a young student tells me they have anger issues ....TOO MANY.... it's not issues with anger they have, it's lack of skills to calm the anger)

-Boost confidence to handle problems (we all could use more confidence, especially our students, they need to be shown how to build confidence in themselves).

Now that we have a significant list of reasons why we should practice finding calm lets begin to explore the how.

Below is a picture I found this past weekend and loved it. 

This is a great way to teach our students (and ourselves) how to calm down. It involves breathing and utilizing imagery of things that comfort us, make us happy, and help us feel calm.  We can take time to make a calm palm  with our students and then refer back to it anytime there is a need for a refresh.

What might your calm palm look like?

-books

-movies

-podcasts

-tiktok

-family

-friends

-hobbies

-chocolate 

-French fries 

-pets

-outdoors

-sleep

This mindfulness activity is a great opportunity to get to know what things your students find calming. This is a great way to connect and build relationships while building a resource and supporting a calm student and calm classroom.

Once you have created the Calm Palm, you can use it to take deep breaths in and out.  As a student (or you) breaths in you move your finger along a line and land on a item of comfort. I like to pause the breathe and hold the image in my mind. Then I move down the next line and slowly breathe out. This is repeated on all five fingers (or 10 if you have done both hands).

I hope this calming technique helps in your calm journey.

Here is another way to find some calm, come to my office (Nov 11-15) and grab a treat in honor or November 13th, World Kindness Day.

Take it Easier on Yourself

If you have been with us since 2019 and have been reading along, this is blog #200! Some blogs during the pandemic were funny or uplifting memes (Pebbling before it was a thing 😉), some have been blogs reviewing topics we talked about before but with a new look, and some have been fun for the holiday spirit (see 'Twas The Week Before Break). I hope that you have enjoyed and learned from a blog or two.

This week I want to talk about Self- Compassion. Before we get started feel free to take the free Self-Compassion Assessment created by Dr. Kristin Neff, PhD.

Self- Compassion while secular has some roots in the Buddhist ideals of compassion toward oneself. Three of the six components to self-compassion come from the Buddhist. They are; kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Dr. Neff's list is as follows; Self-kindness, Self-Judgment, Common Humanity, Isolation, Mindfulness, and Over-Identification. 

The word compassion in Latin refers to how we are with (com) suffering (passion). The idea of self-compassion asks us, how do we suffer with ourselves. 

Research shows that we are better at showing compassion to others. We give grace when others are failing. We give comfort when others are feeling down. But we are harsh on ourselves. For many they feel they need to be tough on themselves. They need to "accept" their shortcomings. But in reality, the harder we are on ourselves the higher our risk of anxiety and depression become. 

If you took the assessment you can tell by some of the questions what we need to do to improve our self-compassion.

We need to understand that others have challenges too, we aren't the worst, we all fail, its ok to accept our shortcomings, we don't have to beat ourselves up for the parts of our personality we struggle to like.

It can be a struggle to get started with self-compassion but we do have some mindfulness tool that can help us.

One mindfulness exercise we can practice encourages us to Rate the Behavior NOT Ourselves. 

More often than not we evaluate ourselves and show little compassion based on ourselves. We forget that a behavior does not define us. 

A behavior does not define a student.

Take a deep breath in, settle into a relaxed position, and remind yourself that you are not defined by your actions. You are not your behaviors. Our behavior may have failed that moment, but we are not a failure. 

When you catch yourself becoming intolerant to your imperfections remember to step back, breath in, and show yourself compassion.

Below is a guided mediation to help you begin your journal of self-compassion.

 

 

Ice Ice Baby...Juice Cube Cold

Do you have that one student who escalates and cannot come back? 

No matter what technique you have tried to help calm them and help them regulate, they just keep escalating.

This week lets explore a nonconventional mindfulness to interrupt the brain, de-escalate, and help regulate our students (and maybe even ourselves).

Mindfulness is about paying attention on purpose. We can do this with listening, touching, seeing, and even eating. In the past we have explored mindful eating, reminding ourselves to slowdown and fully experience our food. This time we are going to talk about how food could disrupt our brain and create a new focus and (hopefully) leading to calm.

Cold or Sour pick one or both, but try them out.

Have you ever head about a cold plunge? 

This is where you submerge your body into ice cold water and stay for an extended period of time. 

It is believed that a cold plunge can help increase neurotransmitters related to dopamine. 

Well we can't cold plunge a student to get their brain to calm down we can still introduce a cold stimuli. 

Giving a student a piece of ice to hold in their mouth can distract the brain from the escalation just enough to help them regulate. The shock to in the mouth has the brain trying to figure out what is going on. 

Small studies have seen a cold stimuli such as ice to have a positive effect on mood, mental clarity, and provide a boost in alertness.

This week I have taken a few opportunities to engage in some ice tests. I observed a student who would not move or talk to take some ice, hold it in their mouth, and then be willing to walk and talk. Whether it was the cold changing the brain or just a distraction that diverted attention; it worked!

It is not only cold we can use to alert and redirect the brain. 

Some studies show that sour is a taste that can cause a rush of dopamine to flood the brain. We can help alter a mood to become happy with a quick sour taste.

When studying sour it has been observed that sour increases serotonin and other neurotransmitters such as dopamine, which play a role in elevating mood and promote wakefulness.

Over the weekend I saw a video which led me down the path of researching cold, sour, and the brain. The teacher in the video shared that she makes Juice Cubes to give to students who need to de-escalate and regulate their behavior. She shared that she uses the school juices, which tend to be sour, and freezes them into cubes. She also shared that the students are also distracted by having to guess the flavor of the cube.

I think I may try some juice cube soon with some friends.

The juice cube guessing game can also be a good mindfulness for a whole class. Taking time to savor and experience the cold and flavor of a cube in a calm way. 

Juice Cubes

 

Freeze

Have you ever felt that the longer your to-do list becomes the less you get done? 

This is called Overwhelm Freeze. You become so overwhelmed your brain begins to perceive your to-do list as a threat.

Have you ever noticed a student just stop what they are doing or come in and do nothing? Perhaps they are not being work avoidant, defiant, or ignoring you. Perhaps they feel overwhelmed to the point of freeze. The tasks you are asking them to complete have now become a threat to their brain. 

Often times when we observe a student disengaging from a lesson and their work we address it head on, as we should.  However, we might not be doing it in a productive way. We may notice a result of further withdraw or even explosion.

The website Navigationpsychology.com has shared a list of possible overwhelm freeze responses we might see. It is good to have an understanding of what it might look like in an effort to better support a student, co-worker, or ourselves.

Here is the list that was shared:

• Feeling so overwhelmed by your to-do list that you end up doing nothing

• Putting off dealing with stressful situations

• Procrastinating tasks you need to finish

• Struggling to make decisions

• Going blank in a conversation

• Having difficulty speaking up or taking action to protect yourself

• Shutting down or checking out after a tough day

• Escaping by scrolling on your phone, bingeing shows, or playing video games for hours on end

• Feeling numb, flat, or lacking in emotion

• Feeling helpless or powerless to take action

• Feeling detached from your body or your surroundings

Once we recognize the signs we can support in a way that will help not harm the person stuck in a state of freeze.

 

If you would like to take 7 minutes to explore this topic in a mindful way tune in to The Daily Jay on he Calm app. Thursday Oct 17 is all about overwhelm freeze. Jay even shares that we can utilize mindfulness to help get out of the freeze state.

The website Navigationpsychology.com also shares that the first step to acknowledge that we are in that state. This could  also be used when asking a student if they feel frozen, stuck, or overwhelmed and talking with about being the freeze state.

The freeze response is signal from our brain to our body that there is danger. Real or perceived danger is still danger in the Amygdala. Engaging in a grounding mindfulness can help bring reality awareness to our brain and body. 

Below is a good relaxation mindful meditation for our students who may be in the freeze state.

You can also utilize Inner Explorer. For younger kids look for the "relaxation train" for elementary students look into "a body scan" and for our middle school students you can also explore "body scan." This helps us find the feelings in our body and learn to release them.

On the Daily Jay, Jay suggests giving yourself a sort of If-Then statement. Or a Once-Then option. Once I complete task one on my list I can sit on my phone for 5 minutes. If I complete a task I can relax with a book or podcast. Tie a task to a reward. We do it for students, do not be afraid to do it for yourself.

Start small and build. Allow your students to start small and build. It is not always easy to remind our brain and body that a threat is not real and we can move forward. It takes time and practice. It takes a mindfulness practice. 

Sink or Swim

For some of us mindfulness is a natural part of our day. We set aside time to have a daily practice. We notice the benefits. We utilize it when stress, anxiety, worry, or even anger creep up on us.

For some mindfulness is a task on a to-do list. One more thing to check off. A stressor if it is not completed and checked off the list.

For others mindfulness seems unnecessary or even useless. 

This week I have been considering the differences and trying to figure out how to move people from the to-do list and useless camps into a place of noticing the need and desiring the practice.

One thing I feel like maybe I have neglected is taking time to share with all of us a good way to get started.

For people jumping into a pool and just going for it was a good way to learn how to swim. 

My dad has long told the story of being a child and in a boat with his dad. They are floating along in the lake and the next thing he knows his dad is tossing him out of the boat and telling him to swim to shore. This was the 1950's and probably not how you are teaching your children to swim today. I took my little one to swim classes at an indoor pool where they gradually introduced her to kicking and paddling. 

Is one way right and the other way wrong? My dad can swim. My daughter can swim. The end result was the same. Would I toss my child from a boat? No. Does my dad have animosity toward his father for his technique? No.

Maybe mindfulness is the same way.

Some of us are willing jump from the boat, while others need some guidance and encouragement. 

This week I want to share some swimming in to mindfulness tips to get you started.

Before we dip our toes into the water of mindfulness let's take some time to set our intentions.

Our Intentions give us that "why" we love so much in education. Find your why. Remember your why.

All joking aside, having a why in mindfulness can help you understand the need and set a desire.

Why do I do mindfulness? 

• To have a positive mindset. I know that I need to train my brain to see the good, so that I be the good, and I share the good with those around me.
• My goal is to be calm and ready to handle the day. No matter what the day may bring.
• I want to quiet the chatter in my brain when my to-do list gets longer, not shorter; even when I am checking things off the list.

When I set my intentions I also focus on the, when.

When will I do my personal mindfulness?

For me I start my day with a mindfulness practice of gratitude. I reflect on the previous day, I look for the good in the morning, and I create hope for the day. Admittedly I am often grateful for my morning cup of coffee. I am also grateful a good night sleep, my family, my adorable puppy who always has to sit on my lap and is there while I am doing my mindfulness, and so much more.

On Monday mornings I make sure my gratitude list always includes being grateful for a new week fill of new opportunities and new possibilities. I want to reset Monday from dread to 

When is best for you? Someone please want to start the day the mindful way, while others want to close it out to promote positive sleep. There is no right or wrong, only a what works best for you. Maybe you want to start and end the day with a mindful moment.

Making is a priority will make it important and it will become a natural part of your day.

If you do not know how to swim you aren't safe around water.

If you do not practice mindfulness you mind isn't safe around difficult feelings and challenging events.

  

In October We Wear Orange

 October is National Bullying Awareness Month.

We as a school take time to educate ourselves and our students on what bully is and what it is not. This year we are also asking that you take 5 minutes out of your day, each day, and let a student know why you believe in them.

We all need someone to believe in us. Chances are your students do not hear it enough, or even at all.

I Believe In You.

The government definition of bullying is:

Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior among school aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time.

1 out of 5 students report being bullied.

1 out of 10 students report skipping schooled due to cyberbullying.

60% of students report that cyberbullying has negatively impacted their learning and sense of safety at school.

55% of students report being cyberbullied at some point in their lives.

Bullying stops 57% of the time within 10 seconds if students stand up for each other.

If you haven't signed up for a lesson please do. Learning about bullying is important for all of our students and staff.

And please invite me to join you as you tell students why you believe in them! I would love to have a video to show the school. Let impact our students in a positive way this month. Show them there are positive ways to communicate. Show them that someone believes in them.