It's Okay To Not Be Friends

Have you ever had a student come up to you and report that another student was not their friend? 

I imagine this happens more often for the younger students. 

It might be easy to respond with something such as;

    "I'm sure that's not true. Of course they are your friend."

    "Let's all talk together, I'm sure we can fix this."

    "Why do you think that? Everyone wants to be your friend."

But the truth is, not everyone wants to be friends with everyone. We don't have to fix or change a relationship that a student does not want to have with another student. And it's ok to not be friends. There is nothing wrong with not being friends. This week I shared this idea with a second grade class, but I told them that there are rules. Rules on how not to be friends or not like someone.

Not liking someone or not being friends with someone has it's roots in conflict resolution and communication. It's not about the act of not liking someone but rather the act of setting boundaries and being kind.

Jay Shetty, a former monk and mindfulness expert shares, "Healthy boundaries command respect not judgment." He explains that boundaries are like a suit of armor. Boundaries protect us. 

When we do not like someone we need to set healthy and helpful boundaries. 

Teaching students to not like someone kindly looks like the following list of rules.

1. You do not have to tell the other person you do not like them.

Telling someone you do not like them does not help either of you. You can not like someone and simply not speak to them. Telling the other person is not armor but a weapon. You aren't setting a boundary to protect, you are using words to harm.

2. Just because you do not like someone does not mean they do not deserve to like themselves. 

This connects to rules one. Telling someone you do not like them may cause them to reevaluate how they feel about themselves. Our feelings belong to us. If we aren't sharing our feelings to seek help, we are sharing to cause harm. Often times students do not simply say "I don't like you" but rather they give a list of the reasons they do not like the other person. The other person does not need that list. Let the other person like themself.

3. You can choose to spend time with others, but do not isolate or exclude the person you do not like. 

When you do not like someone, do not spend time with them. However, in a school setting students need to understand that choosing to not spend time looks like recess or lunch or time outside of school, not school projects. If there is an assignment to work on with someone you do not like, you work with them, you cannot exclude them from the group. Isolating someone because you do not like them is a form of bullying. 

4. Do not gang up on them.

You have the right to not like someone. Others have the right to like that person. That person has the right to like themselves and be liked by others. You cannot recruit others to no longer be their friends. Again, this is similar to rule 3. This a form of social isolation bullying. Your friends are allowed to be friends with people you do not like.

5. Set boundaries. Use helpful communication.

Dr. Becky Kennedy shares that boundaries are not what someone else will do or will not do but rather what we will do. A boundary is strongly connected to communication.

Even when we do not like someone and do not want to be friends we need to learn respectful communication.

Instead of telling someone that we do not like them (see rule1) we can use communication skills and boundaries.

Utilizing "I Feel" statements allows us to express a feeling without pointing fingers. 

Instead of "I do not like you." 

Say, "I feel sad when you call me names at recess because I do not like being called names. I need to take some space from you and play with others, Please respect this. If you can't I will get help from the teacher."

Kids do not like other kids for a reason. We need to help explore that reason to give them the skills to express boundaries kindness.

The other student was not told "I do not like you" instead they were told how someone feels due to their actions. Then a boundary was set. I need space. The student is telling them that they are taking space and that they will play with others. They then shared that they will get help from an adult if this is not respected. 

We can teach our students to be kind while not liking someone. 

We can teach our students they do not have to be friends with everyone but they do have to communicate clearly without harm.

We can teach our students that boundaries are useful but should not harm others. 

We can take some time to reflect on this lesson and utilize it for ourselves. 

Trust and Kindness

This week is a quick blog. I found a video over the weekend that I really enjoyed. It's Brene Brown of course it's good!

Building trust. 

Who do you trust? 

Can others trust you? 

Who is in your marble jar? Are you a marble in someone else's jar?

Now that we have had a nugget of mindful thought for the week come find me in my office. 

In honor of World Kindness Day Thursday, Veterans Day Tuesday, and The USMC 250 birthday Monday....

Treat Yo Self.

 Better yet, let me treat you!

Walk It Out...Backward

Let's take a walk together this week. A long walk backwards, otherwise known as, Retro Walking.

There is not a lot of research, but there is enough to make this topic interesting and worth taking a few minutes to explore. 

As we all know by now, our brains run automatically from our sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight) and our amygdala. We utilize tools, such as mindfulness, to pull us out of the amygdala and into the prefrontal cortex. 

Some small new studies are showing that walking backwards might help with pulling us into the present and into the prefrontal cortex.

Studies are finding that 10-15 minutes daily of retro walking can help calm and ground a person. You have to be very present when taking a walk where you cannot see what's coming. As you find calm, your brain and body begins to down regulate and shifts to the parasympathic nervous system (rest and digest).

Researchers are also looking at the cognitive benefits of a walk backward. The skill and coordination it takes helps boost memory. Also, with the activation of the prefrontal cortex we see more logic, problem solving, and wise choices. 

As you begin this experience, as new mindfulness, you may also notice a reduction in anxiety and depression, along with some lower back relief. Studies have also found some pain relief for the knees.

Your brain and your body will be thanking you for trying something new.

The new and different experience is also considered a pattern disrupt to the brain which can help with reducing rumination (we've learned about this before).

Why not give it a try. Start small, take a minute or two a day and turn around and walk. Build up to 10-15 minutes.  What could it hurt (as long as there is a clear path)? 

Finding the Good

 This is not a new topic. It connects to topics we've been exploring already this year. It also connects back to a topic from February of this year. 

Finding the Good (In Students, Staff, and Ourselves)

Finding the good in others does not mean that we ignore the negative, rather it means that we separate behavior from the person. Good people make mistakes. And people who struggle with behavior have redeeming qualities. We have to look past the behavior and find the good inside the person.

Psychology Today has a great article encouraging us to explore getting to know people past their flaws and struggles. The article states that in today's society we are living a "bummer car" existence. This is explained as "bumping into others" brief encounters, and then moving on quickly. Bump and go. Bump and go. We are encouraged stop, get out of the bummer car, and spend time with others.

When we do more than a quick moment and move on we get to know a person. The quick moments of behavior do not tell the whole story of a student. A quick moment with a "grumpy" co-worker does not tell their whole story. A quick moment with you is not your whole story.

The more time we are willing to spend with another person, the more likely we are to engage in what Dr. Becky calls MGI. The most generous interpretation for behavior. Look back at the post from February 12, 2025 for more on MGI.

Studies show that when we begin to explore the good in others we are more likely to find the good in ourselves. 

Seeing the good in others also helps them (and us) become more confident, more loving, and more productive. When you take time to find the good in your students, your students are more likely to be productive in school.

Remember that clip from Ted Lasso? Remember the quote he shares from Walt Whitman? 

"Be curious, not judgmental."

Are you curious about your students? Or have you made up your mind about their behavior, attitude, abilities, or worth?

Slow down. Look for the most generous interpretation for a behavior moment. 

Take time to see abilities.

Letting others, especially kids, know their abilities will stick with them for a long time, possibly the rest of their lives.

In the Psychology Today article the author shared a story about being a kid playing football. He shared that he was small for his age and always picked last for a team. One day after playing football the team captain told him that he was a good player and that he wanted to pass the ball to him more. The author states that this stuck with him. Someone noticed his abilities and shared that with him. He felt more capable and more accepted. He felt as if he really was good at sports. He stated that this was the beginning of years of sports because he felt good about his abilities.

What abilities have noticed from your students? Have you told them?

We need to do more than notice abilities to support our students. We need to look for their positive character traits. 

Psychologist who study positive psychology believe that we all have positive values we display. Some values are stronger and some weaker but never lacking. These psychologist created the VIA Values in Action survey. This survey can be found at VIAcharacter.org. You can take it and find your own strengths. Students can take it and find theirs. You can help students know they have positive character traits by telling them the good you see in them.

When we being to explore the good in others, often times we find the good in ourselves. Finding good in others benefits us all. 

Which student do you need to find the good in? Will you take the time to find the good and let them know?

I am Positive I can use Positive Self-Talk

 Recently we talked about positive distanced self-talk. This is about using your own name to encourage yourself. This helps remove you from the situation to look at it from an outside perspective. This creates an illusion to the brain that a trusted friend is encouraging you. Our brains tend to listen to trusted friends more than ourselves.

This week I want to talk about positive self-talk v negative self-talk and how they relate to our brains.

Recent studies utilizing fMRI show us that negative self-talk can activate our bodies stress response. Negative self-talk can hinder motivation and decrease the activation of the brain's reward system.

In contrast, the fMRI showed that positive self-talk increased motivation, activated the reward system, boosted confidence, and increased activity in the Prefrontal Cortex. 

If you've ever been in one of my introduction to mindfulness lessons than  you know how important the Prefrontal Cortex is to us. It is the last part of the brain to finish developing and it is the center for our wise choices. It is our thinking it through brain. It's what we use mindfulness to strengthen.

Positive self-talk is a great way to help grow our wise brain. On the flipside of that, negative self-talk hinders motivation and reduces our ability to make wise choices.

Positive self-talk can also be seen as a kind of self fulfilling prophecy. If I am positive with myself I will believe in myself and my abilities and I am more likely to make wise choices and do well.

Negative self-talk is also it's own kind of self fulfilling prophecy. The more negative we are with ourselves the less likely we are to believe in ourselves. The less we believe we can do it, the less likely we are to do it.

This is something that I talk about with students at school and my children at home. 

A few years ago my youngest and I found a book at the library called, The Power of Yeti, by Rebecca Van Slyke. It was about not being able to do things...yet(i). The yeti learns that he might not be able to do something right now but if he tells himself he can't do it yeti he will learn that he can do it someday if he tries. Now at home we say "I can't do it yeti, but I'll try."

The yeti had to learn positive self-talk. So do we.

A lot of our students (and maybe we do too) need to learn positive self-talk. Perhaps you need to start a new morning routine of positive affirmation. 

Below is a link to 101 positive affirmation for students.

101 Positive Affirmations

If students are reluctant to start, consider writing them on sticky notes or note cards and handing one to each student in the morning. Then ask them to read it aloud. This is an easy way to start a positive self-talk habit. Maybe you need it too. As you write them out for the students read them aloud for yourself.

I can start each morning with a positive affirmation.

I will start each morning with a positive affirmation.

I am starting each morning with a positive affirmation.

A great way to do affirmations is with I Can, I Will, I Am. It helps our brains organize things into ability, plan, and action.

Give it a try!

 

Build and Keep Attention

 

Daily Jay- Attention

What are you paying attention to in class?

What are your students paying attention to in class?

We have multiple types of attention:

Focused

Sustained

Selective 

Alternating

Divided

Focused attention is directed to one single specific stimulus.

Sustained attention is concentration on a single task.

Selective attention is choosing to focus on one thing. This was the video we watched and the mindfulness we listened to with Jay.

Alternating attention is having the ability to flexibly switch from task to task.

Divided attention is attempting to multitask. Our brains cannot truly engage in multitasking. When attempting to our brains and productivity slow down. Our brains actually will engage in rapid task switching, as fast paced alternating attention.

How are you supporting attention in your classroom? Are you making sure to engage in daily mindfulness without distraction?

Teaching our students to sit still and listen to Inner Explorer helps them learn to build focused attention and sustained attention.

We need to help our students build attention.

Due to technology and the amount of time spent on fast paced, quick content attention span has decreased. 

According to research our attention is now less than that of a goldfish.

Your students may be missing what you are teaching because they are turned in to the wrong things in class. Or not tuned in at all.

Their young brains are working to make neural connections related to listening and learning in class.

Teachers will do attention getters to grab attention. But how do you keep attention?

As I researched this topic a theme seemed to pop up; positive interactions, building relationships, and silent moments (mindfulness). 

The more we utilize mindfulness and build relationships with our students, the more they will want to pay attention.

One website suggested using the background of your students to create more specific examples in learning. This suggestions encourages getting to know your students. This is building those relationships.

Have you tired one of the many thought mindfulness options on Inner Explorer?

We need to help build and keep attention. 

Class Culture and What You Allow

 We are back this week for more unlike inspiration from Beartown. 

"What about culture, then?" Sune looked more serious, choosing his words carefully. In the end he said: "For me culture is as much about what we encourage as what we actually permit."

David asked what he meant by that, and Sune replied: "That most people don't do what we them to. They do what we let them get away with."

The book is talking about the culture of a hocky team. Sune the older coach felt culture was one of the most important parts of the team. Without a focus on the culture you don't have a team who will work together as a team. Instead you have a group of individuals only focused on themselves. 

This sticks out to me for school as well. The idea that the culture of our classrooms is not simply the rules we give but what we then allow, what we let them get away with.

As I began to research building positive classroom cultures one things stood out the most.

Relationships.

The website thehighlyeffectiveteacher.com list six things to ensure you are setting up a positive classroom culture. 3 of the 6 things focus on relationships.

1. Teacher relationship to students

2. Teacher relationship to parents

3. Teacher encouraging students relationships with other students

As we have talked about before, when we are building relationships with students, students are more likely to want to be in class and want to do well for us.

Relationship building is also about boundary setting. This connects to our book quote. The culture in our relationships, classrooms, and school is built on what we allow students to do at school.

On the website edutopia.org it says that one innovative way to built a positive culture in your classroom is to practice mindfulness with your students.

Our mindfulness practices are a wonderful way to come alongside our students, participating together in learning ways to build inner calm and resilience. 

Edutopia also suggests doing check ins with students.

Often times we do not check in with students until they become a "problem" student and we write into a BSP that a social worker or ABSS will do daily check ins.

You can do your own. You can do a quick check in with all students. You can also pick a different student each day and check in a little extra. Rotate students and you will be able to check in with all students monthly or more for younger grades. Older grades could focus on homeroom for in-depth check ins and still do quick checks with other students.

As you work to build relationships begin to ask yourself:

 What do I encourage? 

What do I allow?

Building relationships doesn't mean allowing unwanted behaviors to go unaddressed. A relationship means you are better able address the concerns in a calm and compassionate way.

Build relationships.

Build community.

Build culture. 

Achievement or Panic

Usually I find a topic when I listen to a podcast, catch something from a psychology page I follow, or see what Dr. Becky and Adam Grant are posting. This week while I was reading the book Beartown by Fredrik Backman I found inspiration. If you know this book, it is an unlikely source of mindfulness. It is a book about a small  hockey loving town in Sweden. The picture above is a quote from the general manger of the hocky club. He was a former player who comes to a realization as a spectator rather than a player.

"It was only when he has to watch a game from the stands for the first time that he realized how close adrenaline is to panic. What rouses the body to battle and achievement are the same instincts that instill mortal dread in the brain."

And guess what, he is not wrong. Psychologically speaking, he was spot on.

Achievement and panic are closely wired in our brains. They share overlapping neural circuits and involve the same neurotransmitters. They specifically share dopamine.

What does this mean for us? Why did this stand out to me as I was reading?

Think about our students for a few minutes. Maybe pick a specific student in your class that seemingly panics when they are doing well. Can you see it? Students that "self-sabotage" when they are on the right path.

The truth of our brains comes from a classic psychology quote "what fires together, wires together." Our students may live in a state of panic at home. Our students may live with a sense of mortal dread. This is wiring strong in their brains. Then when they work toward achievement their brain becomes confused. Due to the shared neuro connections and the stronger connection to panic, our students see achievement as a threat to well-being.

It takes a lot to rewire a brain. But it is possible. 

When we work hard to create calm and a space for understanding we are helping to rewire brains. 

This is why we find mindfulness very important.

Brains are developing until about 25-28 years of age. Our students are ages 5-14. We can help create positive neuropathways. We can help wire and rewire brains.

Inner Explorer has a lot to offer us. 180 daily practices, several transition and sound practices, safety practices, and even for our upper elementary STEM related practices. 

Have you tried a safety practice? Your students might need it. I love the they are given the title, settle and sooth. Our students may need a moment to settle and sooth. It may be after a fire drill, a test, recess, specials, or when they simply come into school. They may come in needing to settle and sooth. 

We need to help rewire the panic. We need to settle and sooth to help their brains work toward seeing achievement as a positive not as a threat.

Do you need to take a mindful break? Do you have some achievement wired with panic?

Have you tried the Educator Wellbeing Inner Explorer sessions? 

This week I did SOS Where are my feet? It was less than 2 minutes and it grounded me in the moment. Try some mindfulness for yourself. Remember we need mindful moments just as much as our students. 

Every Moment Matters. Every Student Matters. Make Connections.

Connection is more important than you think. It's why we at Fortis encourage the 2x10. The video above is a great example of connecting with students and that connection having an educational benefit. 

You never know if the small things you do to promote a community in class will have a big impact on your students. The other day my daughter came home from school and was playing school with her toys. She told me "I have to have my morning meeting, don't worry it's lesson planned." Clearly her class has morning meetings and somewhere along the line she has heard about lesson planning. Kids pick up on the things we say and do. Every moment matters.

Research shows that routines matter to the mind. This helps students know what is coming for their day. Research also tells us that starting and ending days with something positive and engaging encourages and creates positive connections.

We all would rather be greeted with a smile not a scowl. 

We all would like a sweet good-bye not a sour one.

Building relationships matters to our students and the more you engage in this practice the more it will matter to you. 

Below is a link to some great ways to connect with our students. If you notice we already talked about number one.

Connection Matters

Let's highlight a couple of the ideas from the article. 

Getting to know non-school related things about your students. Asking favorite ice cream, food, sport, hobby, etc. Ask about favorite music, song, animal, or show to watch. Just get to know them as a person. This lets the student know that you see them as more than another filled seat to teach.

Walk and talk. This is great especially for boys. Research shows that boys are more likely to be closed off and quiet if they are sitting and looking at the person talking. I love to start with a walk. It's side-by-side, not face to face. No eye contact needed. Walking increases blood flow to the brain. Walking is a great mindfulness activity and has been used as a type of therapy. It is a great way to calm and steady a student and encourage openness. 

Listen. Just listen. Not all of our students go home to a house filled with adults willing or able to sit and listen. And kids like to talk. Just listen. No advice. No sharing. Just listening. This shows them they have your attention, you care about what they have to say, and they are important.

Edutopia has a great read on evidence based ways to connect with students.

Evidence-Backed Connection

At the start the information shares that students need a clean slate. While the article talks about the first day of school, this can apply to any student at anytime. Think about a student who is returning to class after a buddy room, PAR, or OSS. They need a clean slate.

Number four is a great idea too. Banking time. Again, much like our video, this one suggests that when you invest in a student as a person, educational benefits will be noticeable. I liked the words they used, telling us to balance relationship and rigor. 

Number six reflects a topic we have talked about in the past. Be the calm in their chaos. Do not meet chaos with more chaos. They need your calm. Emotions are contagious. Be the calm you want them to catch. When you work to build a relationship you want to be a calm person that can be relied on.

As we wrap up week 5 of school it is not too late to make connections. It is never too late to make a connection. Start today with a class meeting, a walk with a student, a 2x10, listening, fresh start, banking time, etc. 

Connection matters. Every moment matters.

Tip, Tricks, and Techniques

Do you need a reset? Have you observed a student who is in the beginning of a spiral? This week lets learn 10 (actually 9 we learned #7 last week) weird psychology hacks to help.

1. Sour Shock. 

There are a number of benefits to utilizing this strange technique. 

The sour taste disrupts and helps manage anxiety or panic. It is a sensory jolt that can bring one back to the present.

Sour affects the Amygdala. One of the parts of the brain we talk about in mindfulness. Our emotion center. Our Fight or Flight. The sour dampens the response of the amygdala allowing our Prefrontal Cortex to regain control. The prefrontal cortex is another part of the brain we talk about with mindfulness.

Last, sour can help activate the parasympathetic nervous system. This is our rest and digest system. 

If you want to try sour for yourself or a student come see me. I made sure to stock up on sour candy for this blog.

2. Ice Cube Reset

Much like our number one trick, the ice cube can disrupt the anxiety and bring us back to the present. Holding the cold can help lower ones heart rate, reduce breathing, and promote relaxation. This trick involves the Vagus Nerve, which is also connected to our parasympathetic nervous system and promotes rest and digest.

Head to the staff lounge and grab a cup of cubes and give it a try.

3. Power Pose.

It has been a few years since we talked about the Power Pose. Below is a link to our past blog related to power pose and it's benefits.

Power Pose

4. Sing Therapy 

Singing out loud slows ones breath. It has even been found to improve memory, posture, and coordination. 

It also helps alert the Vagus Nerve helping to tell our bodies to calm down.

5.Sock Swap.

It has been said that this helps give one a mid-day mood boost. 

Maybe grab some extra socks to have on hand for yourself or your students. 

6. Cold Water Dunk

I would not recommend this one at school. Unless you have that one student... no, let's stick to the rest of the list. 

But if you need a quick cold dunk, go for it! They say cold shock is good for the body and brain.

7. 3rd Person Talk

Take a look back at last week's blog on third person talk. Give it a try. 

I have been working with students on using this. The younger ones just repeat me and go with it, the others students think I'm strange. But Pamela will keep trying.

8. 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding

Five things you can see

Four things you can touch

Three things you can hear

Two things you can smell

One thing you can see

This could also be used in combination with #1. The taste element could be something sour.

Have a sensory box near by in your calm down space. Make sure you have four different textures in the box. Grab some smelly stickers or markers. Find things and build a grounding kit.

Grounding brings us back to the hear and now. The present moment. It's mindfulness.

9. Chew Gum

This one could be more for you than students. Or you could use this during a 2x10. Give the student gum to chew while you walk and talk then remind them to spit it in the garbage before returning to class.

10. Weighted Hug

Some people do not like touch. Others love it, crave it, and need it. Studies show that we need daily hugs. In fact it has been stated that we need 4 hugs for survival, 8 hugs for maintenance, and 12 hugs for growth. 

Now add in pressure. Pressure calms the nervous system.

If you have a student that needs a little weight on them during the day come see me. I have two weighted dogs and a weighted cat. I had a student last year who would place them on his shoulders and take a walk. I've had students borrow them to sit on their laps for test taking. Others simply spend time with them in my office.

We now all have 8-10 techniques we can utilize to support students who are in a moment of struggle. We now have 10 ways to help ourselves in a moment of struggle.

I encourage you to try a new one each day. If you tried number seven last week, great! This week pick a different number daily and give it a go. I know I'll be using the sour candy in my office (you can too). 

 

McKenzie has got this...and so do You!

 

It might sounds wild but what if you had your students start each day using their own names to encourage themselves? 

Dallas will have an amazing day.

Zyanah will do great today.

Damion is the best.

I'm sure that it would take some getting use to for both you and your students. Maybe you need to start your day in third person too.

Mrs. Nelson can do hard things.

Mrs. Ali can meet any challenge.

Ms. Hiller is strong.

Research backs up this strange but effective practice.

As mentioned in the short video we started with, Michigan State University (Go Green!) researched third person self-talk and emotions.

The findings show that when we speak to ourselves in third person we create an emotional distance. Using words such as "I" and "me" immerse us in our emotions. Our names distance us from the emotions, almost as if a trusted friend is providing the encouragement we need. This technique tricks our brains and helps regulate our emotions.

The research also suggests that we can utilize this when asking ourselves about our feelings. "Why is Sandy upset?" The idea is that we become someone who explores emotions better. Another idea is that we give more grace, understanding, and feelings exploration to others than we typically do to ourselves.

During the research process it was discovered that third person talk did not require more effort than first person. When asked to do third person, the participants in the study completed the task without hesitation. In fact, the research found that third person took less effort than mindfulness or thinking on the bright side. 

We shouldn't give up thinking on the bright side and mindfulness but perhaps we should add third person speak to our emotional regulation toolbox.

For all of you U of M fans, after MSU began exploring this topic of third person self distance talk;  admiring "little brother" U of M began similar research too. (just a little light fun 😉)

Each university utilized a different method of exploring the brain; fMRI and EEG. They were both able to explore various aspects of the brain and it's behavior. One finding was that third person talk helped decrease activity in the self-referential part of the brain. That part of the brain is commonly associated with rumination and painful experiences.

When you look at the findings of both schools you can see that third person self talk has potential to support us and our students.

This week I encourage you to start your day with some third person affirmations.

Sal can make this day great.

Wray is the best.

Gina is amazing.

Lea can do it!

There is no stopping Steph.

Once you have said your own third person talk, take it to your class.

Pamela is helpful. 😉 Pamela will keep exploring more topics to share so stay tuned weekly.

Boundaries, Rules, Expectations, and Standards

 Welcome Back!

I hope that everyone had time over the summer to rest, refresh, and be ready to start a new year.

This week's blog is not a long one. Something short to start us back at it.

If you are new, weekly (usually but not next week, I'll be out) I send out a link to this blog. I will have links, videos, memes, and researched information regarding mindfulness, mental health, and other topics that can support us as we support our students.

Below is a link to a video regarding rules, boundaries, expectations, and standards.  Take a minute to watch and I encourage you to think about how this relates to your class, your students, and you.

Something to Think About by Dr. Raquel Martin

What are your boundaries? 

   - What am I committed to doing or not doing?

What are your rules?

    - What am I trying to control?

What are your standards?

    - What do I allow or not allow?

What are your expectations?

    -What do I wish others will do?

As you set up your classroom structure, create rules, and establish a class contract it might help to ask yourself the above questions. 

Effort Even at the End

Watch starting at minute 24 and listen for about 60 seconds. The whole speech is worth a listen if you have 30 minutes. But if you don't, simply focus on minute 24. His message at minute 24  has had me thinking about the end of the school year and our effort.

Jay Shetty shares in his speech at Princeton that we should take a day and write down the things that took effort from that day. He asks us to note something that took energy, courage, and discipline. He asks us to forget what gets us praised and simply focus on effort.

As we wrap up the last week and get ready to close out the year, stop and think about what you have accomplished today that took effort. Jay's list included things such as, getting out of bed and staying calm in a difficult conversation. Small effort is still effort. Our effort matters. Our effort counts.

I am keeping this short and sweet. I encourage you to watch the video and take time to reflect. You've got this! 

 

Mindful Intention to Focus on Wins and Release the Rest

Last week we talked about the stress of the end of the year and ensuring we do not allow down time-clown time for our students.

This week lets talk about being intentional with ourselves at the end of the year.

On the website, cognitivecardiomath.com there is a list of 14 self-care tips for teachers. Reading them I can see where some as not as accessible as others. You cannot always take mini breaks, utilize your prep time for quiet time, and drink lots of water (because then someone has to cover you for the bathroom, all of your mini breaks will be bathroom stops). There were a couple however that stood out to me and I thought that we could explore them together.

To start with, very simply, begin each day with intent. 

When looking up the word intent you will find the definition filled with words such as; resolve, determination, and purpose.

Each day begin with a purpose. 

Each day begin with resolve.

Each day begin with determination.

Be determined to make the day the best day. Have a resolve to accomplish something productive. Set a purpose for the day.

The year may be ending but our effort does not have to end as well.

We can start each day with the intent to be calm. Resolve to do your own mindfulness. Center your brain, body, and feelings.

As you go about your day you can do self check-ins, asking yourself if you are making the most of day. Check in and ensure that you have a sense of purpose and a determination to fulfil that purpose. 

After having a day full of intent we can wrap up with an End of the Day "Wins" List. 

I liked this idea because I felt that it was a great way to bookend our day. We start with intent and end with our wins. It's basically the most mindful day you could have. 😉

Doing a wins list is similar to having an end of the day gratitude list. Studies show that gratitude lists help us be happier, have a more positive outlook, and seek out positive opportunities. Having a wins list, I believe, could be the same. 

At the end of the days that seem long, challenging, and stressful sit and find a win or two. Perhaps that one student who is always loud had a quieter day. Maybe students offered to help clean. Take time to notice what is a win, small things that are positive are just as much a win as big things that are positive. 

I hope that this week's small blog helps give you somethings to think about as we wrap up the year.

What is your intention for each day?

What were your daily wins?

Start and end your days the mindful way and see if it helps reduce stress.

Last but not least, take time to reflect and release.

Not everything will be positive in your day. Do not hold on. Reflect on what happened, how it could change, and what you will do next time. Then, release. 

Reflect and Release is another mindful way to utilize your time and energy. 

Intention

Wins List

Reflect and Release

School Year Wrap Up

 This time of year it is easy to become discouraged. You are tired. You are ready for the year to come to a close. You feel the energy of the students, the energy that says "good-bye, I've checked out." 

Take a minute to watch the video by Jay Shetty. I hope that his words help you realize you are still here and you are still going. 

"If it was meant to break you, it would have. If it was meant to stop you, you wouldn't be here."-Jay Shetty

You are here and you are pushing forward. 

Now that you've had your pep-talk, let's help you really feel like you can make it through these last few weeks.

In last week's What About Behavior email an idea was shared about Lame Duck sessions in government and applying this idea to school. As you wrap up curriculum it can seem as if there is little to share with the students to hold their attention. But if you remember reading Erin's weekly email she reminded us "down time is clown time." Here is the link to the Lame Duck article. I encourage you to take some time to read the ideas presented. I will take some time to highlight a few ideas here to help get you started.

The article breaks up the ideas into; low prep, medium prep, and high prep.

Low Prep

1. Clean Up. This is an easy and helpful way to use the last few days of school.

2. Thank You Notes. I love this idea. It's a very mindful idea. You could even do a mindfulness and then move into this activity. Write thank you notes to teachers, students, parents, etc. 

3. The Compliment Project. Watch the video here. Did you feel all of the feels with these kids? Imagine how you could wrap up your school year with this activity.

4. Go Outside. Now this article talks about playing Red Rover... 😧... maybe not this one, but go outside and read a book, listen to a mindfulness, clean up, etc

Medium Prep

1. Coloring Books.

2. Read Aloud.

3. Board Games and Card Games. TECH FREE TIME PLEASE! Think about all of the time we have students on screen for school work. Think about how much time they spend on screens at home. Give them what their brains need. Thinking skills. Communication skills. Following rules. Collaboration. Cooperation. 

4. Mindfulness Practice. What if you had a mindful morning. Do an Inner Explorer, listen to calming music, dim the lights, etc. You can mindfully eat. Bring foods to try in a mindful way. Mindfully listen to new sounds. 

I just had a great idea....Write positive notes to future students of that grade. You could give students post-its and have them write positive statements, you put them in a box, and in the fall bring them out and put them on desks.

High Prep

1. Genius Hour. Allow students an hour to research a topic of their choice and have them present on this idea.

2. Student Video Project. This could be a variety of things that you allow them to create.

3. Student/Teacher Unconference. If you read this one it sounds cool, but it does need a lot of prep and time. Maybe a small scale would be Student Ted Talks. Take what they research during Genius Hour and allow them to give a Ted Talk.

There are a variety of ways to change down time to activity time. Make your time intentional, maybe fun, and hopefully helpful. 

Incase you didn't click the last link here is the video from that article. It's less than 5 minutes, it's worth the watch.

Optimist or Pessimist ... or Practical Optimism

"Manage your emotions before they manage you."-Dr. Sue Varma

Dr. Varma is a psychiatrist who has treated patients who were near and effected by the tragedies of 9/11. Through her work and research Dr. Varma has written a book  Practical Optimism. This week we will explore some of her wisdom. 

80% of people will experience a life threatening situation. Only 8% of people will ever meet the criteria for PTSD. 

Optimist and pessimist experience the same amount of adversity. Optimists are better equipped to handle situations. Studies show that it takes more effort to suppress an emotion rather than express it. When you suppress your emotions your body will express what your mind cannot. 

You may have heard that when it comes to emotions we need to "name it to tame it" Dr. Varma expands this to help us begin to explore and practice Practical Optimism.

Dr. Varma tells us to:

Name it

Claim it

Tame it

Reframe it

Name it: Naming the feeling and naming its origin. This is tying a feeling back to a specific event.

Claim it: Where in the body do you feel it? This again is that idea that the body expresses what the mind cannot. Claiming emotions helps us with our "forbidden" emotions. These emotions are the ones we feel we cannot express due to fear of what might happen.

Statistically 85% of the time the things we worry about never actually happen. The other 15% of the time we are better equipped to handle it than we think.

Tame it: Taming our Ruminative Loops. Ruminative loops are repeating the same emotions over and over. It's the what ifs and catastrophizing. Taming is about soothing. Soothing should not create a negative habit, which means we should not be utilizing alcohol as a soother. We should make a five minute phone call to a friend. Text someone who will be supportive. Walking. This one is amazing because it can get you out of your own head and the science behind what our eyes have to do to keep us balanced as we walk is another way our bodies work on calming and taming.

We can also take time to journal or meditate. Taming our emotions is the perfect time to utilize our mindfulness practice.

Reframe it: We take back control. We say that we are not going to let this control or debilitate us. Look at the situation from someone else's point of view.

Dr. Varma, used this when working with 9/11 victims. She shares that the reframing process is a powerful technique often used in trauma processing. 

We can ask "Is this a problem to be solved or accepted?"

Not everyone is born an optimist, but everyone can work toward becoming a practical optimist. It's about brain training and working forward. 

Practical optimism is not always looking on the sunny side of a situation.

We cannot fake it till you make it,  Dr. Varma reminds us that we need to do the work. 

Practical optimism is a practice of gratitude to give ourselves the grace to be where we are at in our current lives.

As we keep pushing forward toward the end of the school year it seems that the observed behaviors are big, loud, and disruptive. What might our students be expressing with their behaviors? Maybe they are suppressing more forbidden emotions. And now their bodies are expressing what their minds cannot.

We need to ensure that we are working on our outlook to become better equipped to help our students handle what may come. 

Do the work for you and you will be able to help your students do the work too. 

If you would like to hear more on this topic look up The Happiness Lab podcast and listen to the episode with Dr. Varma.

Resources to Explore

 Without internet access for a couple of days I have not been able to do my usual research regarding a topic of mindful support. This week I will simply share out some resources that I find helpful. I hope you can take the time to explore and utilize them during this last month of school.

https://www.centervention.com/social-emotional-learning-activities/

https://www.overcomingobstacles.org/portal/en/grade-level/elementary-k-2

https://breatheforchange.com/resources/

https://www.middleweb.com/47080/relationship-building-with-dialogue-journals/

https://www.additudemag.com/

https://www.cope24-7.net/ (mental health resource for children and adults)

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLc0asrzrjtZJWljYTAwKM6mdb4RfoiSxx

https://innerexplorer.com/ 😉

https://www.mindup.org/

https://www.clickondetroit.com/all-about-ann-arbor/2022/04/19/5-tips-for-finishing-the-school-year-strong/

https://positivepsychology.com/mindfulness-for-children-kids-activities/

Earth Day the Mindful Way

Earth Day, April 22, 2025

While the official Earth Day has come and gone for the year, I thought it might be fun to explore it in a mindful way. We can continue Earth Day all year long.

Earth Day has been celebrated since 1970. Each year it grows and currently it is globally recognized by 193 countries and involves over 1 billion people. 

While Earth Day has played a role in environmental advocacy, it can also teach us a thing or two about being mindful.   

According to Calm.com (online of the Calm app), celebrating Earth Day can benefit mental health. It has been shown to give people a sense of purpose and belonging. Working together with others creates a community and a sense of accomplishment. Being out in nature can also help improve mood and ones overall sense of wellbeing.

How can we as a school connect Earth Day, or simply caring for Earth, with mindfulness? Let's explore!

When we engage in activities involving caring for others we give our brains a positive mental health boost. Caring for the earth can be just as rewarding for our brains.

Studies have shown that spending time in nature can reduce stress and depression. 

Caring for nature can help us look outside of ourselves and consider the ways we can better our community and surroundings.

Being out in nature also encourages us to turn off and put down screens and be present. Mindfulness is all about being in the present moment. Putting down our phones and stepping outside to be in nature and care for nature boosts our present awareness. 

This time of year as it warms up it is a great time to take students outside to spend time in nature. It is a great time to be of service to nature and encourage your students to take care of our school and clean up the playground and back field. 

You can find many Earth Day/Earth friendly mindfulness on the Calm app. If you do not have the Calm app YouTube has a variety of mindfulness related to the earth, being outside, and the elements.

This time of year I love to have students take outdoor walks to help calm, refocus, and help them be ready to reenter class. Taking time to watch and engage in a walking mindfulness and then trying it out with a student or your whole class could be a calming and helpful experience for you and your students.

Make every day Earth Day in a mindful way!

How do you RSVP to Power Struggles?

Power Struggles don't have to happen. I love how Dr. Becky says that when kids invite us to power struggles we do not have to accept the invitation. RSVP No to the power struggle party. That is not a party you want to attend. (If the link does not work go to Instagram and search Dr. Becky and look for Power Struggle post, it's a good one.)

But power struggles happen. They happen at home with our children. They happen at school with our students. But they do not have to happen. We have options. 

According to Psychologytoday.com, a power struggle is defined as an attempt to use coercion, force, and threats in response to a challenging behavior.

We have all seen adults RSVP Yes to a power struggle when a student will not comply. When an adult engages in a power struggle it is a sort of co-escalation situation and is almost always counterproductive.

Power struggles take an already challenging situation and make it even more difficult. All emotions begin to escalate and a resolution becomes much more difficult.

Students, as well as adults often face a variety of frustrations outside of school in their personal lives. If unskilled at addressing emotions those frustrations may find there way into school and interactions with those at school. 

When a power struggle appears to be starting it is important to remember that it is the job of the adult to support a student, not control a student.

Before we get into some strategies presented by psychology today and the website needsfocusteaching.com, I would like to encourage you to take the time and read the linked article from Edutopia.

The article from Edutopia gave some great examples of being curious (call back from two weeks ago!) as a way to prevent a power struggle you see coming.

We can utilize curiosity as a great way to reduce the likelihood of a power struggle. We can take time to show interest and understanding. 

Below is a great list of ways to prevent power struggles:

1. Communicate respect and promote dignity. 

    When we lead by example students are more likely to trust us. We need to show respect even in challenging situations. Modeling behavior is a great way to teach behavior.

2. Build and maintain good rapport

    There will always be that one student who can push even the calmest of calm teachers. Build a healthy relationship and work on maintaining it, no matter how the student pushes back.

3. Q-TIP

    That's right. Erin's wise words she shared at the beginning of the school year are here in psychology today. Quit Taking It Personally. Again this is that idea that we need to manage our own feelings before we can address others feelings and behaviors. Reflect back on what we already talked about with students and adults bringing in outside baggage. Q-TIP! Know your triggers and tap out when needed.

4. Provide Choices

    Choices you are ok with the student picking. "Are you going to get started or just sit there?" are not good choice options. Never ask a question you do not want the answer to. "Are you going to put on your coat?"

    Try: "You may choose to do your work now and have a fun recess. Or you may do your work at recess."

5. Pick Your Battles

    Not every battle needs to be won. Not every battle needs to be fought. Ask yourself if the battle matters enough. Does it meet a goal? Is it an important part of the curriculum? Is it contributing to the positivity and productivity of the classroom?

6. Reinforce Desirable Behavior

    Focus more on the positive than the negative. Try to have more positive interactions. For every negative interaction try to have two positive interactions.

7. Simply Be Helpful

    Be supportive and uplifting. Show students you care.

8. Change Staff

    We've talked about knowing your triggers, Q-TIP, and tapping out if needed. It is ok to need a break. It is ok to know your limits. It is better to ask for help than to get into a power struggle that escalates you and the student.

9. Provide Leadership Roles and Opportunities

    Instead of a power struggle, give responsibility. Give a student a reason to want to be in your class. Help them by asking them to help you (remember that blog and lesson from good ol' Ben Franklin?).

10. Collaborate with Them

    This idea has me reflecting back to the Edutopia article from earlier. Work with not against a student. Be curious. 

We have choices. Choices other than engaging in power struggles. We can build relationships, collaborate, and support good behavior. We can ask for help, not take it personally, and give opportunities for leadership. 

RSVP No to power struggles.

Below is a picture with some more help tips regarding how to avoid or deescalate power struggles.

Mindful Apology Acceptance

Teaching our students how to give a proper apology is not that hard. We can talk them through all of the steps beyond saying "I'm sorry." The step after the apology is often and easily missed. 

Have you ever been part of an apology? Have you ever listened to an apology? More often than not the response to an apology is "it's ok." And this is anything but ok.

Research by psychologist Dr. John Gottman shows the importance of being able to rebound from conflict and return to positive communication.

Dr. Gottman also shares in his research that apologies can be humiliating, which is often a deterrent to repeating negative behaviors.

On the Calm app's Daily Jay from April 7, 2025, Jay talks about how apologies allow space for self-awareness and accountability. 

When we consider what Jay shares and Dr. Gottman, then we need to consider how we respond to ensure we are supporting the process of self-awareness and accountability. When someone apologizes and we respond with "it's ok" we negate the accountability. 

Psychologists Dr. Regina Lazarovich and Dr. Catherine Nobile have also researched giving and accepting apologies.

Dr. Nobile shares that apologies are a chance to heal and grow. She also shared that declining an apology is the polar opposite and can lead to unhealed wounds, unresolved negative feelings, and resentment. 

This lesson teaches us that the apology is just as much for the giver and it is the receiver. In fact, even if we may not feel ready to hear the apology we need to allow the space and time for it to happen. We can then share a variety of helpful responses. Expressing appreciation for he other person taking responsibility reinforces the improvement of behaviors. 

The following are some examples of apology acceptances we can give and can teach our students to express.

1. Thank you for apologizing. I hear that you didn't mean to cause me harm, and I know that admitting your mistake was a vulnerable thing to do. I accept your apology and appreciate your commitment to doing better in the future.

2. Thank you for your apology. It really helps me that you have taken accountability. 

3. Thank you for admitting how you contributed to this situation. I accept your apology, and I'm also sorry for my part. 

4. I accept your apology and I'm still feeling very hurt and upset. I want to forgive you, but I need more time to process what happened.

5. I really appreciate this, and your apology resonates. How can we make this less likely to happen in the future?

6. I accept your apology, and what you did was not okay. For us to continue to have a relationship, I need X,Y,Z to change going forward.

7. It takes a big person to admit when they are wrong. I appreciate that.

8. I accept your apology and what you did was not okay. The harm that you caused is not something I can forgive. To protect myself from further hurt, I no longer want us to have any sort of relationship or communication. Please respect my decision.

Obviously that last one is for true hurt that breaks trust and limits the ability to rebuild trust. The last is to be used when significant harm has occurred. 

Responding to the apology matters just as much as the apology itself. Teaching children to show an understanding that it takes a lot to apologize teaches empathy and compassion. Apologizing is not easy and should never be dismissed. Take the time to hear a student apologize. Take the time to practice apologies and apology acceptance with students.

Stay Curious, Stay Connected

 

At the beginning of the year it is easy to be curious when it comes to our students. As the year progresses we begin to feel that our students should understand and follow expectations and we be come less curious and more judgmental. 

We need to stay curious. The clip below, from the show Ted Lasso, reminds us about being curious.

Instead of judgment regarding a situation, behavior, or even a student themselves; be curious. Back in December we had a blog on the question why, if you do not remember it I encourage you to look back and reread it. That blog asks us to begin exploring why things are happening and why a student behaviors the way they do, why we feel the way we feel, etc. Being curious means asking why,  and not assuming you know the answer.

As we remember to stay curious we can be more open to building or if needed repairing relationships with students. 

A simple way to connect, build relationships, or begin repair, is to engage in mindfulness with your students. 

Before spring break we concluded our Inner Explorer mindfulness competition. During the month of March you were encouraged to do mindfulness daily with your students, and even invite admin to join. I hope that this does not stop. In fact, I would encourage you to continue to use mindfulness as we move into testing season. Continue the connect with a mindfulness before you start a test.

According to Edtopia.org a study conducted in 2020 showed that student teacher relationships are associated with outcomes related to academic achievement. The better the relationship, the higher the academic success.

If our relationships with students support their achievement then right now is a perfect time to refocus on your relationship building. You may have one student who really needs your encouragement before they begin taking state testing.

A study from 2022 showed that students are more likely and more willing to go the extra mile with their academics if they are being educated in a supportive environment and adults have built trusting relationships with them.

Below is a video I came across this week. It provides a good laugh and a little food for thought. How do you handle the student you can tell "hates" you? How do you build that relationship?

Build and bank relationship time.

Remember that emotions are contagious. A 2021 study suggests that teacher emotions have a powerful effect on students. The students will reflect them and more often than not it takes a greater amount of time to recover from negative emotions over positive emotions. Your mood can change the mood of your students in a positive and negative way.

Be the mood you want to see in your students.

When asking the why  questions take a minute to separate yourself from a situation and ask if a student's behavior is a reflection of your mood? Could you be the why?

Making sure that we do our own mindfulness and are participating with our students can help us ensure we are always checking our attitudes, feelings, and thoughts. We can help our students by being the example of mindfulness and connect with them through mindfulness.

 

Remember that relationship building does not have to end after the first month of school. We can continue to find ways to connect or reconnect with our students.

Spring Cleaning for Your Space and Mind

 Spring Cleaning. 

Many people take time in the spring to engage in spring cleaning. Going around their space and cleaning out the old, decluttering, organizing, and making the space clean and comfortable.

In the spring (or any time of year) we can spring clean the mind. We can use mindfulness ideas to help clean our space and our mind.

We can sweep away self-criticism, declutter negative thoughts, organize our needs, and polish up what keeps us moving forward.

Studies show that a space filled with junk and clutter creates stress in the brain and body. The external stimuli of a cluttered space can make for a cluttered mind.

In a recent survey most Americans listed home organization and cleanliness among their top five stressors. 

Spring cleaning our space can have a positive effect on our mental as well as physical health. If we add spring cleaning of the mind to our spring cleaning to-do list we can increase the benefits for our mind and body.

It can seem overwhelming to start the spring cleaning task. You may not know where or how to start. Here are some mindful tips for spring cleaning space and mind.

First, make a do-to list. What spaces need to be clean? What words of self-criticism need to be removed?

Next, decide your pacing. Would you rather go slow and steady (last week's turtle) or clean in short bursts? 

Slow and steady looks more like picking a space and slowing cleaning until it is done.

Short bursts is about picking a time limit and clean as much as you can in that time.

Do you need to slowly stop your negative self-talk, reducing it down day by day or can you mindfully stop and swiftly clean it out of your life.

Have a plan for your "junk." A Keep, Give, Toss, system. After you have cleaned consider the idea of 1 in 2 out to keep the space clean and keep the clutter from returning. 

 As you consider your keep pile, spend time reconnecting with items and their meaning. As we reconnect with why we are keeping an item spend time reconnecting with your values. Use a mindful approach. What are you keeping in your life that serves your greater mental and physical well-being.

Studies show that women specifically carry higher levels of cortisol, a stress hormone, especially when a space is cluttered. Taking control of your environment can help you take control of your physical health as well.

Cleaning also creates a physical activity. We have to move. This is something to consider for your daily routine. What can you clean daily? How active are you with this cleaning? Can you be more active?

Reframe your feelings toward cleaning. Reframe your feelings toward yourself. 

Cleaning is scientifically proven to improve your living space, your physical health, and your mental health. 

How can we apply this to our students?

Have daily cleaning chores in your class. Do spring desk clean out. Do cubby spring cleaning. Do locker spring cleaning. 

Talk with your students about organization and help them set up a system to stay organized. Make a daily check list of cleaning and organization. 

Consider the whole class space and make to-do lists for each space. Give responsibility to your students and let them take charge of cleaning.

Before you start do a mindfulness and talk about cleaning out your mind.

Do a wrap up mindfulness and talk about how good it feels to sit in a clean space.

Take a trip outside. Encourage them to clean their outside shared space. Talk about being in nature and caring for nature.

Remember mindfulness is being in the present moment and paying attention without judgement. Do not criticize during cleaning time. Make it mindful. Encourage, praise, and remind that as we declutter our space we can take deep breaths and declutter our minds.